Home For The Holidaze

So i got into nyc last night at 6:30. Dad and Patti hired a car to pick me up which was very special. For christmas i got my dad this long-horn skull made out of barbed wire which was very difficult to pack. i wrapped it in about 12 feet of brown paper to keep the prickers from poking through and then stuffed it into this long, deformed cardboard box. it was v. awkward to carry that around the airport. merry christmas, dad!

It is strange to be home, to say the least. I was ridiculously excited to get back here, and it has been so nice to see dad and luke and patti. i started tearing up when i first saw little luke because he looked so much more grown up. Being around family love can just be overwhelming, especially because there is none of that (except with Jarratt and Dinah, but it's a little different) for me in Santa Fe.

i hung out with some oberlin people (younger kids) who i'm not super close to last night and it was strange. it's just difficult/weird to answer all those questions about what i am doing and where and why because those are questions that i ask myself a couple times a day. Desiree is right when she says i need to own it, which is something that you sometimes just have to play the part of and pretend you are doing to make the actual owning happen, you know?

what's hitting me now is a strange wave of out-of-placeness, or something. there are so many people i am excited to see, and i know that when i do it will feel amazing, but i was surprised to find that the New York that i thought i was missing all this time doesnt exist anymore. I dont know exactly what it was i was missing when i was in Santa Fe, maybe Oberlin, maybe the summer but I just realized that i was fooling myself to think that i would find it waiting for me when i got off the plane in LaGuardia. there's so much amazing stuff here, and tons of family and love and friends and new york is just an awesome place, but i am sortof finding myself having to re-catalogue it all, or something.

Halley called this a "Blue Christmas" and maybe she is right. i do feel pretty calm and happy for the most part. just pensive and as if i am missing a large chunk of something but i can't figure out just what it is.

it is so nice to be at 149 franklin street right now with dad and patti reading the newspaper and with some silly new clothes and toys to play with. patti bought me this book called "drawing on the right side of the brain" which looks awesome. i am very thankful for so many things.

Merry Chirstmas!

christmas time is here

it's weird how the whole world seems decorated all of the sudden.

Halley was here this past week and it was SO FUN. we hung out at the cowgirl a little, went to the folk art museum and the goergia o'keeffe museum, got wasted, saw glass blowers at Tesuque, walked around a sculpture garden, watched Alpha Dogs with Justin Timberlake, went on a hike at Ghost Ranch, ate lots of delicious new mexican food and drove all around Santa Fe. She got to meet everyone and everyone got to meet her. it was lovely.

Here is Halley coming out of the glass blowing place:

This is halley and John (this guy i met who just graduated from Brown. he went to Ghost Ranch with us):

These are pics of Ghost Ranch (Georgia O'Keeffe lived there for a while and did lots of paintings of it):




I have Amenity's (my cousin's) car now and my quality of life has skyrocketed. now i can do thinks like buy groceries or go to Albuquerque or a movie or dinner and it's amazing.

I'm waiting for snow so i can start work at the ski basin.

I went to a grant writing workshop on saturday which was kindof cool. i want to start making more art and putting my stuff out in to the real world and trying to get noticed. it occured to me that my comics might only be interesting/engaging to people who know/love me because they are the only ones i have ever shown my work to. this is a hypothesis i aim to test by creating some sort of collection of things i have done and sending it to people i dont know or putting it in stores like davi's and seeing what happens. i really feel strongly about wanting to share and communicate and be recognized for what i am doing/thinking so i want to start DOING and CREATING more. i need to research places where i can find things like scanners and fancy computers.

I am at Jarratt and Dinah's right now about to have dinner. It's nice when i come here because they both do their own thing and so do i so i get to check internet and just relax while being around family but with no pressure to socialize or perform or anything like that.

work has been SO SLOW lately. it's fun because i get lots of days off since barely anyone needs to be there since barely any customers come in but i am also making NO MONEY.

i am thinking about stopping drinking. at least for a while. it's just getting old. and expensive. but its also SO fun and liberating. i'm not sure.

i'm going to join a gym here because i want to feel better about myself and more energized.

i'm going home in 2 weeks. yeeee haw!

it's sunday night and i'm exhausted. elle and kevin were away for the weekend which was so nice. it didnt really make that much of a difference but just knowing that i could come home to a place that was all my own for a brief moment was nice. i had to take care of the dog and cat which was a little stressful, however. the cat has turned into a treacherous DEMON and the dog is so big and weirdly unresponsive that it creeps me out.

and im out.

Tooo Funny

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sVR1JunnuGE

Dear Everyone...

you guys should comment on my posts. it would be so fun!!

look how good i am at posting! i guess there's really not to much to catch up on considering it's only been a couple days and the only real thing that's happened is that i just fell into a little pit of depression. I'm blaming it on 1) coming out of work last night and realizing that my bike had been stolen 2) the santa fe postal service which refuses to work and 3) the holidays. last night i was just BUMMING and it sucked. i felt SO SORRY for myself but i really felt like i deserved all the self-pity i was getting so i was trapped drowning in my tears. i knew i just needed one or more of the following: internet, booze, a car, friendship, morning to come but those all seemd like very far away possibilities.

this girl i work with named jess called me and said she would come pick me up and take me to this dinner party that stephanie (manager from work ) was throwing at this house where she was house-sitting and i managed to raly and go to that whcih was a good move. it was chill and i ate turkey lasagna, drank red wine and made fun of christina (another manager from work) who was HAMMERED. literally, this is what happened:

[everyone is having a very serious converstion/debate about whether it is a moral obligation to spay/neuter your dog or if it is cruel and inhumane to rob puppies of their manhood. this is brought on by the fact that this girl Misha and her boyfriend just got a little black Chiuawa from the pound earlier that day]
Christina: FUCK THAT SLUT. SHE'S A STUPID WORE! [completely slurring her words, making no sense, spewing belligerent nonsense, everyone's ignoring her]
Rod [huge black body-builder]: Leave it's balls alone, man!
Jess [taking all of this WAYYYYY to seriously]: I am not going to let my Siberian Husky roam around impregnating other dogs, its just not morally responsible.
Christina: WHO CARES? WHAT IS THIS? IS STUPID. Here's the thing, you guys. None of that matters. JUST FUCK THAT SLUT. stupid whores.

et cetera, et cetera, until it was too much. i dont know if i can even do it justice. but holy shit i was on the floor in hysterics. sometimes there's nothing funnier than people speaking nonsense in the most heated way imaginable. haaaa.

i talked to my aunt today and it turns out that i just have to pay this premium and then i have access to amenity's car for 6 months. this is VERY awesome. now i just need to write a check, wait for the paperwork to go through and go pick up the wheels. then i can buy toilet paper and go to albuquerque and feel human. yee haw. one thing i am a little worried about is no having to chauffeur Dee and Annie around but i suppose this will be a good opportunity for me to put up some boundaries and stand up for myself, because seriously, i want to do things by myself and i dont want to get drunk and be stupid all the time.

ok im at this coffee shop that is closing. so i'm out 4 now but stay classy.



p.s. don't forget to comment!

A Shot At Love

I am watching A Shot At Love with my uncle, aunt and cousin right now and its the best thing i've ever done. HIlarious.

where have you been all my life??

Oh, Hello there!

it has been a while and a half.

I have been working lots of shifts at the old Cowgirl, which is good because of $$ but also EXHAUSTING. This crazy girl named Nicole got fired which was sortof sad but also makes things about 4,000 times less stressful. There have also been some new people hired:
This boy named Dallas (yes that’s his real name) who is 20 and pretty funny and cool, but also kiiindof cocky and too much attitude for his own good. He also has a serious crush on Annie which is funny to watch. I’m mad at him because he didn’t do his sidework and left early last night and I had to do it for him.
Another new hire is this girl named Melinda who just moved here from Cape Cod. When I asked her where in Cape Cod she said Wellfleet and I was like “oh SHIT, I used to go up there in the summers to visist my old friend Lily Rothman, do you know her?” and she was like “yeah I think I might.” And I was like “whoaaaa WEIRD” and than I thought of other people I knew up there and one was this boy named Sam O’Hara who I used to have HUGE crush on when I was about 15 and she was like “um, he’s my boyfriend. And he just moved here with me.”

So THAT is crazy. Sam just called me today to see if I wanted to get a drink this weekend. Weeeeeird. Except I think he might think I am someone I’m not… like I actually cant remember if we dated or made out or if we really even talked because I might have made the whole thing up in my little teenage imagination. Although, I do have a distinct memory of talking to him on AOL and saying “Sam, do you want to go out with me?” but I don’t recall what came of it. Hilarious.

Let me see what else has been going on in my life…

Davi came to visit and that was awesome. Except for the fact that she was violently ill for the first 24 hours. We thought it might have been the bloody mary that she had on the airplane, or maybe a stomach flu but then decided that it had to have been the altitude. It probably didn’t help that our first activity was to drive with Annie up to the top of this huge mountain outside Santa Fe to see the Aspens changing color. Dav was a sick little pup in the backseat and then we got out to go look at this fancy spa and on our way up the Japanese-style staircase that seemed to go on forever Davi leans over and starts to vomit in the perfectly manicured lawn. And then we turned around and went home. The perfect end to a perfect day.



For Halloween Annie and I dressed up as these two bussers from work. I was Ramiro and she was Alfredo. In the kitchen they still refer to me as Ramiro. Work was fucking insane that night though. Everyone was in masks and it was soooo packed. This is Ramiro:



I moved to this nice house in this really pretty residential neighborhood near the capital building of Santa Fe. I live with this couple named Kevin and Elle. They are getting married in 8 months but have already begun interviewing caterers and florists and mapping out the seating chart using construction paper. They are nice but I really never see them. Elle works for a hedgefund and has to be at work during New York business hours so she is out of the house by 7am everyday. Kevin works on a ranch and takes their huge (HUGE) dog (named Nanuck) with him everyday. I sleep late and hang out with the kitten (named Gizmo) who is getting bigger and more annoying everyday. Here is a picture of Elle and Kevin on the couch and the dog and Davi on the floor:



I hang out with Annie all the time and Dee a lot of the time. We are all good friends. The other night we played this very fun game while Annie was bartending where Dee and I would pass pieces of paper back and forth and she would write the captions and I would illustrate. Doing that made me happy. This is Dee and Annie:



I am feeling more and more at home here. The Cowgirl is a nice place to be/work but I need to be careful to remind myself to leave because it is so easy to stay ALL THE TIME.

Dad and Patti just came and visited me which was sweet. We hung out and walked around and took drives and they stayed in cute hotels. They visited me at work and hung out and Dad made me cry, in a good way, as always. His new thing is the SLR camera that he bought as a hobby and here are his pics from the trip:

http://picasaweb.google.com/TrippEvansNYC/SantaFe2007

I got a job up at the Ski Basin and have been going to orientation all day for the past couple days. Brian, Johny and this other boy named Brian from work are all doing it with me. Johny did it a couple years ago so he hooked me up, which was sweet especially because I couldn’t find a car to drive in order to drop off my application or go to the job fair. It’s so chill though, the guy who runs it is named Timothy and is super relaxed. I am going to be working in the Rental Shop and we spent all Monday and Tuesday watching dumb videos about customer service and sexual harassment and rules of the slopes and learning how to adjust skiis. So now we are all trained and just waiting on the snow to fall, which could happen at any time but probably wont happen until xmas time. I think I’ll be working up there 2 days a week and doing the Cowgirl thing 3 or 4 nights. I have to figure out a way for it to make sense tho because the rental shop opens at 8am so I cant work there on days after I close. So there are some kinks to work out and schedules to set in stone but I am really excited about working up there. It’s just going to be sweet to have something else going on in my life besides the Cowgirl and the people there are chill and I get a free lift pass so I can ski or learn to snowboard. I tried once when I was about 12 and it kicked my ass but I think I’ll give it another shot.

Right now I am at Jarratt and Dinah’s place which is so nice. I woke up this morning feeling sick for like the 10th day in a row. I thought I had a cold when dad and patti were here but then I started feeling better, until I got this cough and started feeling way worse. Jarratt heard me on the phone this morning and convinced me to go to the doctor. I got insurance info from Dad and took a cab to this walk-in Urgent Care place. They took blood and put me on a nebulizer and it turns out I have Pneumonia and Bronchitis. Just greeeeeeeeat. But actually I really don’t feel that bad. I have a killer cough and I’m sortof exhausted but I FEEL ok. Dee was nice enough to cover my shift tonight and Dinah came and picked me up and we got my prescription filled and then I just spent the day here on the couch playing online and drinking ginger ale. It’s nice to be sick like this because I do feel like I am being taken care of and on vacation or something – I haven’t felt that in a while.

Luke and Mom and Bob are all in London right now to spend Thanksgiving with Katie and Liz (Luke’s girlfriend who’s there abroad for the semester). Mom offered to get me a ticket a couple months ago but it just seemed like too much at the time and I didn’t know my work schedule and it would have been such a long trip for such a short time so I didn’t bother to make it happen. I sortof wish I were there, like I’m sorry to be missing out, but I’m also glad to be here because I wouldn’t have been able to get the ski basin job if I were gone and also I feel sick and it would have sucked to feel like that on the plane. I do miss my bro and Katie though. I would probably feel super depressed if Jarratt and Dinah weren’t here to sweep me up in their arms.

Growing up is weird. Annie is freaking out because her family is selling her childhood home and she’s in Philly for thanksgiving to spend the last holiday in that place with her fam. I am sure I would probably be devastated in her position but I actually can’t imagine being that attached to a place right now. Maybe its because my mom moved out of my childhood home in high school? I remember being SO MAD at her.. or maybe its because of growing up in a broken home? Who knows. It’s hard to know what traditions to let go of and which ones to hold on to. I do think traditions and family and nostalgia are important things, but I would rather have control over them and make my own than ascribe to arbitrary Hallmark or fake patriotic ones, you know?

I’m going to try and blog more. Its just lame because I really never have a chance to go online since we don’t have internet at my house. Also I’ve started seriously looking for a car because I really cant do anything without wheels, especially now that its getting fucking COLD out. Not having internet OR a car is just too frustrating. Jarratt mentioned something about Amenity lending me her car while she is abroad which would be so perfect. Then at least I would be able to go look at cars to buy for myself. That’s one thing I miss about NYC – being able to go anywhere anytime. I have really never felt so trapped or frustrated with lack of transportation as I do right now.

Also, I just bought my ticket to come home for the holidays!
December 24th through January 2nd, save the dates!!!!!!!!
I’m so excited. I miss the big city.

Ok that’s a lot but it’s all for now. I gotta get over this crazy sickness.

Dayum

oh MAN i have had an exhausting week. I have been working a LOT and not sleeping very much AT ALL. I worked Tues, Weds and Thurs nights and then I just finished my Friday day shift. I am pretty much completely burnt out. Here's what else has been going on:

1) I went to this bar called Willie's after work and totally stupidly left my backpack and vest with my wallet in the pocket hanging over the back of this chair while i went up to get a drink. When i came back to get my shit, it was nowhere to be found. Granted, i had been getting drunk for about an hour before i came to look for it but FUCK. that really sucked. I was with Annie and she was wasted and not being that helpful and i was kindof freaking out but i just had to suck it up and her friend Mark drove me home which was nice. Having my shit stolen was probably the worst part of this week. Besides being a total nuisance, it also put me in a really dark place for a while where I couldnt stop thinking about how i shouldnt have come to Santa Fe and that the world is full of villains. I'm sortof getting over that but i still feel a little saddened and betrayed by this place.

2) I drove drunk last night which was retarded and i feel very guilty about it. Maybe thats not such a big deal but to me it is and i sortof told myself i would never do it but then i did and everything was ok except i feel retarded and terrible about it. I think i just had to get that off my chest...

its weird to be coming to terms with how much power i have over my own life. i feel like i am only just realizing that i really can do whatever i want, or at least chose whatever i want and then do everything i can to make it happen. it sounds kindof retarded but i think this just never occurred to me before because i was so busy with school and just riding all of that shit out. It was mostly easy and obvious and often fun but i never challenged it, or really took responsibility for it. I guess i am trying to do that now. It is both scary and exciting to own the past and the future, but ultimately that is what makes the present meaningful i think.

ok i need to take a little power nap so that i can decide if i feel up to hanging out tonight or not at all :)

Yowza!

whew i feel like i am in a whirlwind today.

i had such a nice time at Montana's. It seriously made me want to move to Albuquerque. His friends and roommates are super chill and his house is so nice. It was just really great to be around some quality people. I feel like I've been missing out on quality time. It's either work work work or drinking with semi-superficial people (who are fun but it never really goes deep) like Annie or sitting at home with Max. It was also really nice to get away for a second. The drive from Santa Fe to Albu is so awesome too, its straight up desert for an hour which really reminds you where you are.

He and his friends picked me up and we drove to this girl Kathy's house. Then just Montana and I went to this concert at a coffee shop but only stayed for like 5 mins because it was LOUD and "too Anglo"' for Montana. Ha. Then we met up with his roommates at this dude's house and chilled there and drank for a bit. He lives with these two girls named Rochelle and Rachel and this boy whose name i forget who i didnt meet. The dude whose house it was is friends with Rochelle from work and the place was pretty cool. It was like this ghetto of studio-style one bedroom adobe houses and we were hanging out in the middle of all of them. There was this girl there named Malinda who had just moved to Santa Fe a week ago and was staying there because her grandmother owns the whole place. She was only 18 and from New York and SO NEW YORK i kindof couldnt handle it. She said that she had dropped out of school after 9th grade and was just a huge partier and had to get out of the crazy destructive lifestyle so she came out to New Mexico and left her fake ID at home. She was supposed to PA on a film in Taos and that was the plan until she got here and realized that the fact that she cant drive and doesnt have a license means she really cant do shit as a Production Assistant on a movie in the middle of the desert. She was cliched and ridiculous but a sweet girl, totally looking for a mama or a papa - really anyone to look up to. I havent felt so old in a while.

After that we went home and i slept on the couch. We woke up at 6:30am to catch the liftoff of the hot-air balloons which have taken over Albuquerque for the week-long International Hot Air Balloon Festival which is taking place this week. We drove to this fancy neighborhood along this bluff on the West side of Albuquerque overlooking the Rio Grande (which is a surprisingly lush little valley) and it was fucking magical. Hundreds of balloons just taking off in the air - i've never seen anything like it. They were all different colors and shapes and some flew right over us and we watched ths sun rise in the sky. it was so special. haha - see below:



Then we went and ate breakfast burritos and Rochelle and Montana drove me back to Santa Fe just in time for me to meet this woman who is Dee's roommate at 1pm. I talked to her for a while and it's pretty much a done deal that i am moving in as soon as Dee moves out. I have told Max about the prospect but not about the decision. I am feeling more and more like it's the right thing. The woman's name is Elle and she seems a little high strung but also sweet and easy to get along with. She is from Espanola (30 mins away from Santa Fe) and is applying to business schools in the fall.

After the meeting i walked home, its such a gorgeous day here. I have work in an hour and i am feeling a little exhausted but at least i have a few moments of downtime before the crazyness of the Cowgirl.

I kindof want to move to Albuquerque. It would just be so nice to have a scene, and people to hang with and do art with and concerts to go to and more stores and nightlife and all that. But im committed to riding shit out here, and at least giving this place a chance. My job is pretty fun for now and there are some things i am interested in pursuing here, and that's enough to keep me happy and busy for a while.

ok time to suit up yeeeeeehaw

the Santa Fe way

today was a weird day because i had Max's car and was driving around but i had nowhere to go really. That's one of the most annoying things about being somewhere new - connecting the dots. I just dont know enough yet to make it all work, and usually i will have something i want to do but no way to do it, or all the time and resources in the world but nothing to do, or no one to do something with. it's sortof tragic/absurd. and, i like to think, character building.

sean kingston is amazing. i think i like his music almost as much as i like sean paul's:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kmcmTE7NIAY

i am waiting for montana to come pick me up with his friends and drive me to his place in Albuquerque where i'm going to spend the night. i think there's nothing that i hate more than waiting for the phone to ring :)

also, days off are sweet. but i kindof like working. it just feels more purposeful. it just gets kindof exhausting.

I'm meeting the woman who has the husband who owns the house tomorrow at 1pm to talk logistics. im pretty sure it's the right thing to do, though nothing has progressed this past week because i havent been able to get in touch with Dee when we're not working to arrange a time for me to meet the landlords. I'm starting to think that flakey-ness is just the Santa Fe way. I dont know if that's a good or a bad thing.... at least it should teach me to stop taking it personally.

Ah, Life.

geeeeeez.

so i just got off work and it was CRAZZZZZY tonight. i had like a million 12 tops and everything was going totally nuts because one of the bussers just walked out in the middle of his shift and there were no glasses and everything was such a mess. In the end it was all ok though, and i made some money but JESUS did i want to die for a while.

today i got coffee at Counter Culture and a girl named Bucket came up to me and introduced herself and asked me if i was new in town and gave me her number. weird.

What else has been going on? not much. i have been working every night which is actually ok because i dont really have anything better to do. After work on tuesday i got VERY drunk and hung out with Annie and then just kept drinking and somehow ended up at her house (to this day, have NO IDEA how we got there) and she was telling me to stay over but then she was passed out and i was like shit yo im going HOME. but i was too drunk to really do anything and didnt know where my shit was and all i had was some crumpled up dollar bills in my jeans pocket and i was trying desperately to remember max's phone number. i probably could have just passed out there but i was feeling really strange and sick and wanted to go home please thank you. so then i somehow found my shit and called Max. it was like 4:30am but he came and picked me up which was so nice. i was a total wreck. i think i really cant keep up with these drinkers, man. it was crazy. but yeah, im also just not used to how they party here, and i think it freaked me out that i didnt know where i was or how to get home by myself. I am lucky to have a friend like Max though. and it works out because he likes playing the hero.

i like working with Dee and Annie. they are fun. i think we are all three friends but sometimes i dont know. like yesterday there was no doubt about it but today...why dont they call me back? am i being too sensitive? yes. i just have no patience is the truth. i gotta work brunch tomorrow but i feel too wired to go to sleep right now.


So i think i am going to move out of Max's and into Dee's house (since she's moving out to live with Heather, this bartender from work). I looked at it the other day, and her room is really nice. It's kinda weird to be living with a couple, like i feel like i might feel like a houseguest for a while, or forever, but there are alot of advantages:

1) its CHEAP, since the rent for a 2-bedroom is split between 3 people

2) it's in a pretty part of town, unlike Max's which is kinda in the ghetto - not in a scary way but just in a white trash, everyone here has owned there little adobe home for a million generations way.

3) there is a kitten named gizmo to play with

4) i just kindof dont really like living here that much. i mean, there are a lot of cool things about it, like i can do whatever i want, there's internet, i can have people over and feel more like i own the place but also Max is a little much and i think i want my own space.

ok i think i am going to watch the end of the good shepherd now.

some days you feel dp*, some days you don't.

* (stands for depressed. its a clinical abbreviation. halley taught it to me.)


It is a very gray monday here in Santa Fe. I dont have work today which rules. Although it always makes me feel like somewhat less of a person. As if i am still in the ant colony reaping the benefits but not pulling my weight, you know? My weekend was at once very fun and very terrible feeling. On Friday after i got off work I came home and like rested for a little. Then i decided to mobilize and Max came out with me to this party that Claire and her roommates were at. It was a crazy house FULL of lesbians and Max basically did at 180 as soon as he walked into the room because he wanted to go get his cigarettes and he was stoned and basically flipping out. All the parties i have been to here are like house parties from high school, its weird. I knew a lot of people at this one, just because of things i have been to and people i have met at the Aztec or at that crazy marching band at Penasco which is kindof cool, but also reminds me how TINY this place is, and specifically this particular lesbian/circusfolk scene. Anyway, the party was kindof awesome because there was a DJ and SO much free booze and a keg and cake and chocolates. Also a bonfire and sortof alot of people. It would have totally been the best party ever, had i been there with friends instead of basic strangers. It was a little intense though. The theme was "dirty" and the people who were dressed up for it looked INSANE. There were girls in leather bras and black ball gowns and Claire's roommate crow was dressed up as a boxer with a fake black eye and make-up like bruises. It was a little bit of a freakshow. So we kicked it there for a little while but then decided to leave. Although i did feel a little like i couldnt leave his side, it was rally nice to have Max there with me because i had been so used to going to shit like that ALL by myself, which can be freeing and does force you to make friends but it is also so exhausting. So Max and i got into his car and then i called Annie who was just getting off work because she had told me about this party that i should come to with her. She and Dee were still at the Cowgirl so we drove there and Max met all the crazies that i work with. Then we got back into the Subaru and drove to Annie's friend's house. Annie kept making fun of Max for having a child, which was funny at the time but was actually kindof thoughtless and maybe even cruel. It is a little absurd that she and Dee were jammed into the backseat next to an empty carseat, but if Annie had been even the tiniest bit empathetic, she wouldnt have made Max feel like any more of a weirdo for the way his life is. This next party was completely different, but also the same. It was a much more hip scene, with tight jeans and big glasses and artsy people. We got there pretty late, things were winding down when we came in and a lot of people were just lying on the floor chilllllllling really hard. I saw this girl who looked familiar and i was like "have i met you before?" and she was like "probably." and that was it, which i found obnoxious. No one there was really outgoing or friendly, which sucked but i sortof dont blame them. it was a party where everyone knew each other, not a meet and greet type thing. However, i was reminded of the awkward, insecurity-bred aarogance of nyc and hipsters and all that. I do feel like i cant be that critical if i know that i have been like that, and probably would have been like that if i were them.

Dee left basically right when we got there but Annie, Max and I hung out. Annie introduced me to her friends and we talked to this guy David a lot. Her friend whose house it was is named Tug. He sleeps on a loft bed and is an Artist. She showed me this poster that he had put up for a party that he had a little while ago called "Hey, That's My House!" where he had gone around and taken creepy stalker-esque pictures of all his friends' houses and then printed them out and put them on the wall for people to notice during the party. i thought that was funny. We went home around 3 and drove Annie to her place. She was like "lets all have brunch tomorrow! i'll call you when i wake up!" Then Max and i got home and talked on the couch for a while about love and life and things like that which was fun.

Saturday was just a wack day. Annie never called which made me feel completely undeservedly upset about life. I just hate when people set you up for something that seems a little too much, but then you expect it and then you feel dumb when its taken away. I think i was also just due for a day of feeling heart-wrenchingly lonely and depressed. I got out of bed late and went running but then it started pouring rain. Then i went to get coffee except the place was closing. Max picked me up and we put my bike in the back of his car and then drove up to this gorgeous mountain top to watch the sunset. As we were driving it starting pouring huge rain droplets but the sun was still shining and it felt like we were in the tropics and then there were TWO RAINBOWS in the sky. it was SO beautiful. We watched the sky for like an hour in this national park and talked about colors and weather and illusions and photoshop and things like that. then we rented The Departed and drank Vodka. i felt pretty bad for myself but Max was a really good friend and it was so nice to have his company.

Sunday i worked brunch which sortof brought me back to reality. I was working with Brian and Johny and i like them a lot. The shift kindof sucked though because we got slammed right away and didnt have enough coffee or dishes or anything. This one party gave me a $40 tip on $100 though which was awesome. Johny gave some guy caffeinated coffee instead of decaf because we didnt have any decafe but then found out later that this old man couldnt drink any caffeine because he has heart palpatations. FUCKED UP but also funny. Brian kept making fun of him and calling him a murderer. ha. After work i went to Jarratt and Dinah's for dinner which is just always lovely. Jarratt has cancer in his liver and is waiting for a transplant which is scary. They have to be ready to drive to Denver at the drop of a hat but they both seem pretty ok about it all.

Now i have to run to go look at Dee's house because she is about to move out and i might move in. I am going to write an entry soon about all of the ridiculous characters at the Cowgirl and some funny things that have happened there.

choices

i cant remember why i wanted to call this blog entry "choices" but i do remember coming up with it when i was drunk the other night and it seeming brilliant.

i feel in a bad bad stupid mood where i am my own worst enemy and i am mostly just BORED.

at Brian's brithday party i met a guy who had this huuuuge tattoo running up and down the side of his torso that said "choice" one way and "destiny" if you read it the other way. it was pretty sweet.

The party was fun. There were all these sketchy looking guys and then a lot of tall girls. There was one dude named Arthur that had fucked up teeth and rap-around sunglasses and that hairdo where its all shaved except for a greasy ponytail. There was also a guy that literally looked like the dumb one from King of the Hill with a mesh trucker hat and long blonde hair and all. I got VERY stoned and everything was hilarious especially because i ate like 4 pieces of this "ganja carrot cake." I took a cab home with Dee and Annie and this annoying manager with a really high pitched voice named Christina. There is a rapist on the loose here so girls get free cab rides in the nighttime but it was awkward because the cab driver didnt believe we were all girls because my hair is short. Then as luck would have it i had to sit next to him in the front seat and actually could not keep my shit together and kept cracking up. It didnt help that he was playing this creepy organ funeral music and the doors wouldnt open from the inside :)

baaaah i feel crazy and have cabin fever right now. i am going to take a walk while there is still some sunlight to be had. also i need cafine. caffine? cafene? how do you spell that?!?!

the hardest part about rollerblading...

yo yo yo yo yo.

so it is Wednesday evening. i am waiting for my friend Dee from work to call me so that we can go to Brian's birthday party together. I think we are going to wait for Annie to get off work and all go together. I'm excited to hang out with all of them outside of work. i sortof invited max to come because Brian wants people to bring friends but now i feel like that might be SHMAWKward just because Max is, well, Max.

I closed last night which was allllright. the place was empty from about 10pm on even though there was this pretty awesome DJ spinning. Dee and Annie hung out and got waaaasted while Brian and I closed. It was a long night but i made money which was good. The thing that sucked was that i had to get up at 9 this morning to go to that New Mexico Alcohol Server certification class. It was actually pretty painless though. The instructor was this really sweet old woman. The only trouble was that Max dropped me off at the hotel where the class was SUPPOSED to be held, but upon walking in i found out that the location was changed. Luckily i saw this girl who looked like she was my age and it turned out she was there for the same reason and she gave me a ride to the correct hotel across town.

I'm trying to think what else is up with me... I am sortof feeling more and more settled in all the time. I think that's why i have been writing less, just cause i'm a little busier and spending time at work, and a little time making new friends. There are deffinitely some things i have been meaning to write about though:

Last night at work this little boy asked me "Are you a boy or a girl?" and it was just awkward and then their parents wouldnt really make eye contact with me when we dealt with the check. Also, earlier in the night the dad had asked for a shot of Chamucas tequila and his daughter asked him "why daddy? are you sick??" so earnestly and with such concern in her voice that it was tragically adorable.

I've decided i need a car. it's the next thing on my list.

I am looking at this room in this house tomorrow to see about moving out. Dee (from work) lives there now with this nice blonde couple but she is moving out to live with one of the bartenders from the Cowgirl named Heather. Rent is really cheap because i would be sharing a 2-bedroom with a couple. It's only $450 (might be $500) which includes utilities. I have to share a bathroom which sucks but who knows, i'm gonna see how i like it and just keep my options open. things are deffinitely comfortable here with max, and there are a lot of really sweet things about living here (its nice to have a friend, i can really do whatever i want and not feel bad, there's internet, the house itself is nice and i can always have people over, the location is sweet....) but i am purposely not making my room into a real home yet. I just havent decided if i want to settle settle here and i like the feeling that i could just throw all my stuff in a bag and make a location change. that will get old though, i know it.

On Monday after I drove Max to the car dealership, he and I went with Andrei to this foundry in Tesuque (little town near Santa Fe) and walked around this sculpture garden. It was really fun. It was just a lovely afternoon and that child is such a sweetie. His favorite thing is to make boats by finding pieces of bark and sticking flowers in them and then watching them float down this little babbling brook. We ate at this little restaurant in the town and it was pretty idyllic.

I am looking into stuff to supplement my life out here so that i dont spend all of my free time and work time at the friggin Cowgirl. I am talking to this girl about volunteering at the Contemporary Arts Center here. It's hard though, i feel a little exhausted lately - it's hard to get used to this late night schedule and part of my initial awe and energy and desire to check out every last little thing all the time in this place is fading. I think that's normal though.

And in conclusion, do you know what the hardest part about rollerblading is?

telling your mom you're gay.

love morgan

Quickie

now i have internet at home! which is awesome but also means that i cant really write at this second because i am on max's computer and he needs it back.

here's the news from New Mexico in brief:

Things with max got smoothed out, he didnt want to talk but we wrote each other some stupid notes and then things just sortof blew over. I realized that i was being a pretty dramatic female and tried to just let it go. It was pouring when i had to go to work so i couldnt bike downtown and i called max and he drove me which was very sweet. Andrei was in the car and he was so excited to see me and i was so excited to see him that it made my day. There is nothing like a 3 year old to give you a pick me up before you spend the night scraping BBQ sauce and ketchup and fajita's off of plates into the trash :)

I worked Thursday and Saturday which was good. Except it was very slow on Sat so i got cut at around 8pm and made no $$$ and had no one to hang out with which was depressing. But hey, i mean if getting high by myself and watching Weeds is as bad as it gets, things could be worse.

On Friday Claire came over and we grilled which was nice. the food was delicious and we all got kindof drunk and then Joey came over and so did Claire's new roommate, this girl named Lena. She is from Kentucky and was cool.

I worked brunch on Sunday and went out for a drink after my shift with Celeste (one of the hostesess, she has no eyebrows and paints them on everyday) Brian and these two managers, Alona and Stephanie (the one who hired me) which was fun. We ended up back at the Cowgirl to see this band and i got pretty drunk and then went to some other bars with this othe girl i work with named Annie. She is pretty awesome and from Philly but went to the College of Santa Fe and ended up staying out here. it was cool to hang with those people, working in a place like that really gets you a crew right away... its kindof crazy.

ok i have to go drive max to the lot so he can pick up his new car.

more later 4 sure.

Yucko

God. Today sucks. I got into the most annoying fight with Max last night. I went out to this crazy, bizarre party with Claire and her roommate (named Crow….ha) that I will explain more about later. But basically I left the house at around 7:30 (Max had text messaged me at 6:30 to see if I had left yet, and then at 7 when I didn’t reply saying “fine. Well have fun”). I told him when I left that I was leaving and he kept texting me about how he couldn’t find his keys at Zhenya’s or whatever. Usually I just ignore this shit, but it has been starting to really get on my nerves. I just don’t need his minute to minute updates, its fucking annoying. So anyway, this party is in this tiny town in the mountains called Penasco which was an hour drive from Santa Fe and I didn’t get any cell phone service out there. When I got back into range at like 12:30am I had a text from Max that he had sent around 9 that said “I’m going to see how much gin it takes until I cant stand up anymore.” This freaked me out and I spent the car ride wondering if I was going to have to clean up his vomit or go to the ER or something. When I got home all the lights were out and I saw an empty bottle of Tanqueray on the table. I knocked on his door and called his name. Thankfully he grunted and I said “are you alive?” and he said “yeah.” Then I said “don’t ever send me a text message like that again. It really freaked me out” then shut his door and went to my room.

About 2 minutes later he knocked on my door and started yelling at me saying: “Don’t fucking wake me up at 1:30 in the morning asking me if I am alive! Fuck you. If you really cared you could have called. Don’t ever wake me up again.” I didn’t know how drunk he was so I was just like “max, please leave. I’ll talk to you in the morning” and I thought it was fucking retarded that he was trying to make this like the situation where he woke me up in the morning and I got pissed.

Ugh. I knew he was being crazy but it still really pissed me off and made me have bad dreams. Now I feel like I have to move out more than ever, which I already knew was necessary but I am just trying to do things one step at a time and get settled in my job and make a little money before I uproot completely again.

The worst part is that I tried to get a hold of him this morning, asking if we could talk for a second before I went to work and he is being an impetuous child saying “if it’s about last night, I don’t want to hear it” and “if the things you want to tell me are more things I shouldn’t do, write me a list and I’ll do my best to follow your wishes. But I don’t want to hear them.” I think I am overreacting about this situation but I just find it INFURIATING. Part of it is my bullshit, being impatient and confrontational, wanting things to always be smoothed out instantly, not being able to live with myself if someone close to me thinks I’m being fucked up, but I also am SO ANNOYED with his immaturity. I just want us to figure out how to co-habit the same space in a positive way right now, and I feel like that entails communication, instead of passive aggressive text messaging.

Drama. FUCK. But I really don’t want to talk about that shit anymore…

I had my first day of work on Tuesday and it went pretty well actually. I was nervous but it was slow at first, which was nice. It got really busy at one point during the dinner rush and I was totally freaking out for like 20 minutes, losing credit card slips and my mind and forgetting drinks but everything worked out. This guy Johnny really helped me out. One sweet thing about the restaurant biz is that the turnover is really quick so if you really fuck something up for someone they are out of there before too long no matter what. People were generally really nice, although some got ticked off when they had to ask me for things a million times. There was this table of students from the College of Santa Fe and I spent some time talking to them. It was nice because they totally commiserated with me. Also I gave them my number and might end up hanging with them sometime. Making friends is so weird and hard but I just keep trying to put myself out there and say yes to everything.

The funniest part was that the moon rock girl who I had to ride all the way back from Albuquerque with that night that I went to the firewomyn party came in. She was all like “hey darlin, can I get some sweet potato fries?” and I was like ok but I am NOT going to get stuck talking to you. She left me her phone number and told me to call her about some party. I cant really tell how much of that shit is disingenuous or not….

I had to stay late and close with Brian which was fun actually. He’s a cool guy. We drank some beers and filled salt-shakers and counted money. He was going to go to the New Mexico Alcohol certification course on Wednesday as well because you need to re-activate your license every 5 years but since we didn’t get out of there till 3am we decided to both go together next weds. Also he is having a birthday party that night and he invited me to come which is cool. He drove me home because my bike was broken. I was kinda drunk and in a good mood because I made money and didn’t panic or cry or pour hot coffee on any small children.

On a side note: I wonder if the people at work think/know/assume or have no idea that I’m gay?

So Wednesday I borrowed Max’s car and got my bike tire fixed and ran some other errands. It was sweet to drive around, made me really want a car. I definitely need to figure that out before it gets too freezing here. Also, as Jarratt said, you really do need a vehicle to really enjoy it out here, there’s just so much awesome shit that you cant get to without driving.

At night I went to this party with Claire and Crow that I mentioned before. All I knew was that it was in this little town and it was a birthday party for one of the fire dancers at the Zozobra festival, the one where they burn the huge man puppet. We got there and walked into this building to one of the most insane things that I have ever seen. We had to walk through this red curtain into a little theatre with lots of chairs, but no one was sitting in them because everyone was on stage dancing their hearts out to this 35-person alternative marching band, called “March Fourth.” Everyone was in the craziest outfits and there were all these hippies and kids and dogs just grooving their hearts out. There were guys on stilts and all these performances happening interspersed with the dancing. This one woman did some insane shit on the trapeze. It was fucking wild. I think my mom would have liked it. It was definitely something that I would never have gone to in new york or Oberlin or really ever if I weren’t here right now and it was uhhhhhh not my scene, but I’m really glad I went. Everyone was just having such a good time and the music was so joyous it was hard not to at least appreciate it. Of course Claire and I were ready to go like 2 hours before Crow and her gay friend Jed who drove us out there in his Audi but we chilled and chatted around the campfire with these crazy characters. That’s the only problem with going to shit that’s far away in a car that isn’t yours, at a certain point you start to feel a little like a prisoner. But it was DEFFinitely worth it. I fell asleep on the ride home and would have felt awesome if not for that dumb confrontation with my idiot roommate.

Im sortof bummed because Claire’s friend Matt is having this party tonight where there’s a band playing in his basement (which is apparently SUPER rare for Santa Fe) and it’s going to be really cool and a great place to meet people and hang out with the ones that I have met already but I’m friggen working till way late probably. I know I would be sad if I weren’t working, and I know there will be other parties, I was just excited about this one and everyone keeps talking about it. And also I could have probably gotten my shift changed but I didn’t really know how to go about it since I am so new and felt weird about being a brat on my first week. But now I feel dumb about that – like I shouldn’t have been a baby because I could have made it work and now I just have myself to blame.

Today is a :( day. Some days just are. It’s cloudy and my heart hurts. That’s just what’s up.

I have realized some things though:

1) I think the worst abuse is the shit you put yourself through. Whether it’s self-hatred or masochistic behavior where you keep going back to or perpetuating a dynamic that is destructive for you, those self-made situations are the hardest ones to realize and the hardest patterns to come to terms with and eventually break.

2) You can really make anything sound ok, or not ok, or actually really DO ANYTHING as long as you stand up for yourself and your choices and stay the course.

3) No one person is going to approve of everything you do, but if you are lucky you have people in your life who will love you no matter what and forgive you for stupid shit.


One thing I am wondering is: will there always be so FUCKING many questions????? Especially about what to do and how and when and with who….Will that ever stop?

The New Girl

So i began training at the Cowgirl and it is quite a place. I did my three training sessions Friday and Saturday nights and then Sunday brunch. Today at 4:30 I have my first real shift. I am pretty nervous but also excited. I have learned an insane amount in the past few days. it was nice to have yesterday off to sleep and soak it up a little bit. I know im gonna make helllllllla mistakes but i also hope that i will maybe not fuck up too hard.

The people who work there are such characters. My first night i trained with this girl named Jess (short for jessamyn) who was totally sweet. i think shes from jersey or california maybe but she went to B.U. so she seems very East Coast-y. Shes friends with this other girl named Dee who is really cool. She is writing a novel and came out to Santa Fe to be a waitress because one of the characters in her book is a waitress in the Southwest and she wanted to know what it was like firsthand so that the character would have more depth. Weirdly this girl Jess is best friends with this woman from Oberlin named Nancy Boutelier who i know through rugby stuff because shes a very political lesbian interested in gender and women's studies shit. She spent a lot of time with Alia making the first rugby calendar happen. That was a random connection. My second night i trained with this RIDICULOUS girl named Nicole who looks like a cartoon cowgirl with boots and died red hair and freckles and flared jeans. She is just a crazy spitfire who had like 4 margaritas during our shift. On sunday brunch i trained with this guy named Brian who was also fun. He's short and bald and very funny. He totally let me take over his whole section while he worked a party in the other room which was terrifying at first but then felt sweet. Together we made about $1400 in sales which is fucking ridiculous. I havent been getting paid yet because I'm just training but Brian tipped me out like $50 and hopefully tonight i will rake it in. There's another guy named Brian who is only 20 and a cutie, i like him. Theres a guy named Johnny who has long blonde hair and a blonde beard and he is nice and cute too. The nighttime manager who hired me is named Stephanie and she's a total trip. Shes kindof a hard ass and will yell at you just to get it off her chest but shes a good person and doesnt hold grudges, which i appreciate. i think its easier to handle aggression than passive aggression anyway...

the first night when i showed up it turned out that there was a beach party theme for the evening since a surf rock band was playing and there were going to be fire dancers. i didnt know about this ahead of time so i had to borrow a shirt from Stephanie who is basically the opposite body type of me. Shes short and sortof voluptuous and i looked RETARDED in this 70's polyester vintage hawaiin print shirt. AND cowboy hat. ha.

So yeah, the cowgirl has pretty much been my life for the past few days. I hung out with Claire and met her boyfriend's roommates and we all watched a movie (Thank You For Not Smoking) one night which was nice. Its cool to be around chill boys like that because otherwise i think i would basically have my social time be split between Max and Lesbians.

It's still really hard to hang out, and of course i couldnt really chill this weekend because i was working the whole time but people have been reaching out which is nice. i had a drink at this blues bar with Katy and a bunch of the Aztec girls on Saturday after work, but i was feeling kindof depressed because they were all talking about going to Acrobatics class and doing circus stuff and performing arts and i was thinking "wow. am i ever going to make friends here???" Antoinette invited me to Karaoke last night but i was tooooooo burnt out on everything to muster the kind of courage required to take up an invitation like that.

There are these little baby mice that keep running around Max's house that are freaking me out. Other than that, the place is looking really good because Max's parents were here this weekend and bought a bunch of shit like tables and lamps and a bed for max so now there's a couch in the living room. I am still keeping my ears and eyes out for another place to live but i am not throwing myself into the search until i have the $$$$ to throw down for rent. Also, i would like to live in a place with roommates who are cool and that kind of thing is so chancy, its nice that i dont have to rush it. Max is intense but lately it has been nice having a friend around. i think it helps that we are seeing about 2,000 percent less of each other since the job fell through. i dont know what exactly his plan is for a job. he has been dealing with parents and then errands like getting internet and a new car and then i think his plan is to get some fine dining restaurant job and/or try and secure some design work. i feel lucky to have a job right now. and it is scary and challenging and new and stuff but it makes me feel like i am somewhere, doing something, even if its not AT ALL what i expected.

tomorrow i have to go to some weird hotel and take a New Mexico Approved Alcohol Server class from 10am - 3pm. i have no idea what that will be like. The alcohol laws are realllllly strict here though. It's a felony to serve someone with an expired Driver's License. That's insane.

On saturday i randomly found the only comic book shop in Santa Fe and am planning on putting together some work to put there on consignment which will be sweet.

Also, my uncle Jarratt is putting me in touch with this woman who runs the Center for Contemporary Art in Santa Fe which will be a cool person to know. I would love to do some work for her, voluntary or whatever, just to get involved in the art scene here.

So yeah, things are ok. I've been a little sad and lonely but i know thats to be expected. usually i cant wallow for too long because i am either too exhausted or it's time for work. I want to learn more about myself and who i am and why i am here and what i want and what i need, but i am trying to do that in a healthy way - looking forward and being productive, instead of looking backwards and driving myself crazy with questions and guilt and indecision. I know its important to deal with one's past, but i also believe that right now i need to live in the moment. I mean, shit, I'm here so I might as well own it.

Yee Haw!

So I met up with Claire this morning and we went to this coffee shop called “Counter Culture” which was an annoying name but a pretty chill place. Then we biked to this other coffee shop where her boyfriend Joey works. It is called Downtown Subscription and it is where all the old people hang out. Rght this second though, and I am not kidding, there is a girl sitting across from me wearing aviators completely shamelessly trying to look sexy and taking pictures of herself with her camera phone. Ha. I also overheard her conversation about 2 minutes ago where she was talking about some new myspace feature where you can chat with people. Obviously that’s not new. But whatever.


In other news: I am officially out of a job. The reason that I came out here has now ceased to exist. Actually all three reasons (a friend, a place to live, and a job) have just fallen away one by one. Max turned out to be CRAZY (well I guess I knew that, but I didn’t quite know the extent or the scale) and is currently having some sort of breakdown which required him to quit his job. Unfortunately, my career at Santa Fe Printing was linked to him, since he was going to train me to do all this shit and help him with his job, doing production and making websites. I had a big talk with Max on Tuesday night where he was saying that he just felt like a failure in all aspects of his life (his relationship, professionally, as a father) and he is feeling completely overwhelmed and has to give up on something. Apparently, he has lost faith in the business and hates working there and doesn’t believe that it’s going to get off the ground. Unfortunately, when he told me three weeks ago that they desperately needed my help, things looked like they were getting better and better and jobs kept pouring in, but since then, they just stopped getting calls. I suggested that instead of giving up, he figure out a way to make it work for him, i.e. spending less time at the office, making a schedule with Zhenya about who has Andrei when so that they don’t have to have terrible abusive phone conversations everyday. So, Max met with Christian on wednesday and told him the terms under which he would continue to work at Santa Fe Printing - fewer hours, being on payroll instead of being a partner, and only doing design, no management or customer service. Christian needed time to think it over and called Max this morning to say no, thanks anyway, and that he has already hired a web designer but will let him know in a month if he can use Max (or me) at all.

It's pretty fucked up, i must say, but its not Max's fault i guess, and i do believe that it'll be ok. I'm just annoyed, dissapointed, dont want to see Max's face all the time, etc.

BUT one awesome thing did happen yesterday. Since i didnt have to go to work i went to get coffee and ran into this girl Katy whom i had met the other night and is nice. On my way to go walk around and look at some galleries i decided to stop by this restaurant called the Cowgirl to see if they were hiring because i had heard it was a sweet place to work and it seems very fun. I talked to this woman and she asked me to come back at 7:15 for an interview. I came back and we chatted for a little while and she said she had a good feeling about me so it looks like i might have a job waiting tables! and the best part: wearing a cowboy hat is part of the uniform! holy SHIT!

i'm getting kicked out of this coffee shop so i gotta run, but thats the gist of the last few days' ups and downs...

Pixxxxx

This is the view from the plane as I was landing in Albuquerque:

















This is Max's house:














This is the living room:














This is this weird tree decoration on the wall that makes the kitchen look like it is a home for hobbits:















This is little Andrei:



















This is from the front of the house, that's Zhenya's car and the shed in the large fenced-in yard:














This is the room i am sleeping in:

Today at work...

so today i made this cheesy website design:


















and then basically spent all day making dumb little changes until it looked like this:

its so frustrating to just realize other peoples' visions of things. what annoys me most of all is the inefficiency, though.



Max just told me that he wants to leave this job. That is a terrifying thing. I guess it could work out of if Christian wants to keep me here, but i doubt he will because the main idea was for Max to train me and then i could help him with websites and production and all that. I also dont know how serious Max is about bailing on his business. but FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. I really was counting on this. I know it'll be ok but i was just excited to just get wrapped up in something maybe boring but also stable and have time for my own stuff while making $$$ and learning killer skills. Jesus though. and Max has all this baggage about disapointing people because all he wants is to be liked but at this point he has just completely over-extended himself and is overwhelmed with it all and panicking about how he can possibly make everyday a little less miserable. Apparently business has gotten really bad in the past 3 weeks and everything that they thought would just keep coming and coming has just faded away so there's not even really work for me, let alone money for them. Sucks. Maybe now i will look for a job instead of a new home?

i know i want the real world and i guess this is it but c'mon. at least it is gorgeous here. that really is what's pulling me through. i also feel kindof zen in general right now, its all just been dreams and ideas that became a reality so recently that it almost isnt that big of a deal if everything gets taken away. i just need to figure it out. and i know i will.

i left work today to buy things for my bike so now i have a nice safe ride home to look forward to. adios for now.

got a bike!

i am VERY happy to have my own mode of transportation. I met Claire at this bike collective thing called Chainbreakers and they just happened to have a sweet mountain bike that someone had just donated. it's white with yellow and purple detail. i spent a couple hours just fixing it up and changing the break cable but it was already in almost perfect condition. Afterwards we went to this pizza place and had a beer with this guy named David who works at the bike place. He was nice but I kept calling him Joe for some reason. Max came and met up with us which was ok but he is being very annoying, i think because he is miserable and exhausted ALL the time but i dont really know how to handle it. Like, i shouldnt feel guilty for coming home and going to sleep when he goes to the office till 3am, and i don't actually because i know he is ridiculous, but it is a source of tension. I just want home to be a place i can go and not feel pressure or judgment and just hide away a little. Claire said that a friend of hers is renting out a place near downtown that is a one bedroom little house thing that i am going to check out.

I biked to work this morning which was nice. I got here at 8am, before anyone else, which was cool. I finished mounting and framing their work samples and now i am working on the design for the website for the Santa Fe Southern Railway. The truth is that i dont really know what i am doing though. and Max is acting crazy so i dont really want to ask him. It's fun to fuck around on photoshop, but i think i am going to run into problems with my aesthetic as compared to his and Christian's. When i was framing all that stuff before, i would lay it out and then show it to Christian and inevitably he would turn something diagonal so that it had this dumb "jaunty" look but hey it's not MY shit i just work here....i guess.

i think im gonna take a break soon. i gotta get some coffee and a bike helmet. i always thought i was too cool for that shit but the drivers here are TERRIBLE so i'm not taking any chances.

last night i had my first dose of small town reality when two of the girls who i had met on saturday just happened to be at this brewery place where Claire, Max and I got a drink after pizza. i went over and said hi and this girl Katy gave me her number to hang out. The other one's name is Rosie and she is nice, they are a couple i think, or just gay lesbian friends...i cant tell yet. It was funny because Katy was talking about how she went to critical mass in Santa Fe and there were like 9 people besides her who showed up. The next one is Thursday so maybe i'll go and double the population of bikers.