i cant remember why i wanted to call this blog entry "choices" but i do remember coming up with it when i was drunk the other night and it seeming brilliant.
i feel in a bad bad stupid mood where i am my own worst enemy and i am mostly just BORED.
at Brian's brithday party i met a guy who had this huuuuge tattoo running up and down the side of his torso that said "choice" one way and "destiny" if you read it the other way. it was pretty sweet.
The party was fun. There were all these sketchy looking guys and then a lot of tall girls. There was one dude named Arthur that had fucked up teeth and rap-around sunglasses and that hairdo where its all shaved except for a greasy ponytail. There was also a guy that literally looked like the dumb one from King of the Hill with a mesh trucker hat and long blonde hair and all. I got VERY stoned and everything was hilarious especially because i ate like 4 pieces of this "ganja carrot cake." I took a cab home with Dee and Annie and this annoying manager with a really high pitched voice named Christina. There is a rapist on the loose here so girls get free cab rides in the nighttime but it was awkward because the cab driver didnt believe we were all girls because my hair is short. Then as luck would have it i had to sit next to him in the front seat and actually could not keep my shit together and kept cracking up. It didnt help that he was playing this creepy organ funeral music and the doors wouldnt open from the inside :)
baaaah i feel crazy and have cabin fever right now. i am going to take a walk while there is still some sunlight to be had. also i need cafine. caffine? cafene? how do you spell that?!?!
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
the hardest part about rollerblading...
yo yo yo yo yo.
so it is Wednesday evening. i am waiting for my friend Dee from work to call me so that we can go to Brian's birthday party together. I think we are going to wait for Annie to get off work and all go together. I'm excited to hang out with all of them outside of work. i sortof invited max to come because Brian wants people to bring friends but now i feel like that might be SHMAWKward just because Max is, well, Max.
I closed last night which was allllright. the place was empty from about 10pm on even though there was this pretty awesome DJ spinning. Dee and Annie hung out and got waaaasted while Brian and I closed. It was a long night but i made money which was good. The thing that sucked was that i had to get up at 9 this morning to go to that New Mexico Alcohol Server certification class. It was actually pretty painless though. The instructor was this really sweet old woman. The only trouble was that Max dropped me off at the hotel where the class was SUPPOSED to be held, but upon walking in i found out that the location was changed. Luckily i saw this girl who looked like she was my age and it turned out she was there for the same reason and she gave me a ride to the correct hotel across town.
I'm trying to think what else is up with me... I am sortof feeling more and more settled in all the time. I think that's why i have been writing less, just cause i'm a little busier and spending time at work, and a little time making new friends. There are deffinitely some things i have been meaning to write about though:
Last night at work this little boy asked me "Are you a boy or a girl?" and it was just awkward and then their parents wouldnt really make eye contact with me when we dealt with the check. Also, earlier in the night the dad had asked for a shot of Chamucas tequila and his daughter asked him "why daddy? are you sick??" so earnestly and with such concern in her voice that it was tragically adorable.
I've decided i need a car. it's the next thing on my list.
I am looking at this room in this house tomorrow to see about moving out. Dee (from work) lives there now with this nice blonde couple but she is moving out to live with one of the bartenders from the Cowgirl named Heather. Rent is really cheap because i would be sharing a 2-bedroom with a couple. It's only $450 (might be $500) which includes utilities. I have to share a bathroom which sucks but who knows, i'm gonna see how i like it and just keep my options open. things are deffinitely comfortable here with max, and there are a lot of really sweet things about living here (its nice to have a friend, i can really do whatever i want and not feel bad, there's internet, the house itself is nice and i can always have people over, the location is sweet....) but i am purposely not making my room into a real home yet. I just havent decided if i want to settle settle here and i like the feeling that i could just throw all my stuff in a bag and make a location change. that will get old though, i know it.
On Monday after I drove Max to the car dealership, he and I went with Andrei to this foundry in Tesuque (little town near Santa Fe) and walked around this sculpture garden. It was really fun. It was just a lovely afternoon and that child is such a sweetie. His favorite thing is to make boats by finding pieces of bark and sticking flowers in them and then watching them float down this little babbling brook. We ate at this little restaurant in the town and it was pretty idyllic.
I am looking into stuff to supplement my life out here so that i dont spend all of my free time and work time at the friggin Cowgirl. I am talking to this girl about volunteering at the Contemporary Arts Center here. It's hard though, i feel a little exhausted lately - it's hard to get used to this late night schedule and part of my initial awe and energy and desire to check out every last little thing all the time in this place is fading. I think that's normal though.
And in conclusion, do you know what the hardest part about rollerblading is?
telling your mom you're gay.
love morgan
so it is Wednesday evening. i am waiting for my friend Dee from work to call me so that we can go to Brian's birthday party together. I think we are going to wait for Annie to get off work and all go together. I'm excited to hang out with all of them outside of work. i sortof invited max to come because Brian wants people to bring friends but now i feel like that might be SHMAWKward just because Max is, well, Max.
I closed last night which was allllright. the place was empty from about 10pm on even though there was this pretty awesome DJ spinning. Dee and Annie hung out and got waaaasted while Brian and I closed. It was a long night but i made money which was good. The thing that sucked was that i had to get up at 9 this morning to go to that New Mexico Alcohol Server certification class. It was actually pretty painless though. The instructor was this really sweet old woman. The only trouble was that Max dropped me off at the hotel where the class was SUPPOSED to be held, but upon walking in i found out that the location was changed. Luckily i saw this girl who looked like she was my age and it turned out she was there for the same reason and she gave me a ride to the correct hotel across town.
I'm trying to think what else is up with me... I am sortof feeling more and more settled in all the time. I think that's why i have been writing less, just cause i'm a little busier and spending time at work, and a little time making new friends. There are deffinitely some things i have been meaning to write about though:
Last night at work this little boy asked me "Are you a boy or a girl?" and it was just awkward and then their parents wouldnt really make eye contact with me when we dealt with the check. Also, earlier in the night the dad had asked for a shot of Chamucas tequila and his daughter asked him "why daddy? are you sick??" so earnestly and with such concern in her voice that it was tragically adorable.
I've decided i need a car. it's the next thing on my list.
I am looking at this room in this house tomorrow to see about moving out. Dee (from work) lives there now with this nice blonde couple but she is moving out to live with one of the bartenders from the Cowgirl named Heather. Rent is really cheap because i would be sharing a 2-bedroom with a couple. It's only $450 (might be $500) which includes utilities. I have to share a bathroom which sucks but who knows, i'm gonna see how i like it and just keep my options open. things are deffinitely comfortable here with max, and there are a lot of really sweet things about living here (its nice to have a friend, i can really do whatever i want and not feel bad, there's internet, the house itself is nice and i can always have people over, the location is sweet....) but i am purposely not making my room into a real home yet. I just havent decided if i want to settle settle here and i like the feeling that i could just throw all my stuff in a bag and make a location change. that will get old though, i know it.
On Monday after I drove Max to the car dealership, he and I went with Andrei to this foundry in Tesuque (little town near Santa Fe) and walked around this sculpture garden. It was really fun. It was just a lovely afternoon and that child is such a sweetie. His favorite thing is to make boats by finding pieces of bark and sticking flowers in them and then watching them float down this little babbling brook. We ate at this little restaurant in the town and it was pretty idyllic.
I am looking into stuff to supplement my life out here so that i dont spend all of my free time and work time at the friggin Cowgirl. I am talking to this girl about volunteering at the Contemporary Arts Center here. It's hard though, i feel a little exhausted lately - it's hard to get used to this late night schedule and part of my initial awe and energy and desire to check out every last little thing all the time in this place is fading. I think that's normal though.
And in conclusion, do you know what the hardest part about rollerblading is?
telling your mom you're gay.
love morgan
Monday, September 24, 2007
Quickie
now i have internet at home! which is awesome but also means that i cant really write at this second because i am on max's computer and he needs it back.
here's the news from New Mexico in brief:
Things with max got smoothed out, he didnt want to talk but we wrote each other some stupid notes and then things just sortof blew over. I realized that i was being a pretty dramatic female and tried to just let it go. It was pouring when i had to go to work so i couldnt bike downtown and i called max and he drove me which was very sweet. Andrei was in the car and he was so excited to see me and i was so excited to see him that it made my day. There is nothing like a 3 year old to give you a pick me up before you spend the night scraping BBQ sauce and ketchup and fajita's off of plates into the trash :)
I worked Thursday and Saturday which was good. Except it was very slow on Sat so i got cut at around 8pm and made no $$$ and had no one to hang out with which was depressing. But hey, i mean if getting high by myself and watching Weeds is as bad as it gets, things could be worse.
On Friday Claire came over and we grilled which was nice. the food was delicious and we all got kindof drunk and then Joey came over and so did Claire's new roommate, this girl named Lena. She is from Kentucky and was cool.
I worked brunch on Sunday and went out for a drink after my shift with Celeste (one of the hostesess, she has no eyebrows and paints them on everyday) Brian and these two managers, Alona and Stephanie (the one who hired me) which was fun. We ended up back at the Cowgirl to see this band and i got pretty drunk and then went to some other bars with this othe girl i work with named Annie. She is pretty awesome and from Philly but went to the College of Santa Fe and ended up staying out here. it was cool to hang with those people, working in a place like that really gets you a crew right away... its kindof crazy.
ok i have to go drive max to the lot so he can pick up his new car.
more later 4 sure.
here's the news from New Mexico in brief:
Things with max got smoothed out, he didnt want to talk but we wrote each other some stupid notes and then things just sortof blew over. I realized that i was being a pretty dramatic female and tried to just let it go. It was pouring when i had to go to work so i couldnt bike downtown and i called max and he drove me which was very sweet. Andrei was in the car and he was so excited to see me and i was so excited to see him that it made my day. There is nothing like a 3 year old to give you a pick me up before you spend the night scraping BBQ sauce and ketchup and fajita's off of plates into the trash :)
I worked Thursday and Saturday which was good. Except it was very slow on Sat so i got cut at around 8pm and made no $$$ and had no one to hang out with which was depressing. But hey, i mean if getting high by myself and watching Weeds is as bad as it gets, things could be worse.
On Friday Claire came over and we grilled which was nice. the food was delicious and we all got kindof drunk and then Joey came over and so did Claire's new roommate, this girl named Lena. She is from Kentucky and was cool.
I worked brunch on Sunday and went out for a drink after my shift with Celeste (one of the hostesess, she has no eyebrows and paints them on everyday) Brian and these two managers, Alona and Stephanie (the one who hired me) which was fun. We ended up back at the Cowgirl to see this band and i got pretty drunk and then went to some other bars with this othe girl i work with named Annie. She is pretty awesome and from Philly but went to the College of Santa Fe and ended up staying out here. it was cool to hang with those people, working in a place like that really gets you a crew right away... its kindof crazy.
ok i have to go drive max to the lot so he can pick up his new car.
more later 4 sure.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Yucko
God. Today sucks. I got into the most annoying fight with Max last night. I went out to this crazy, bizarre party with Claire and her roommate (named Crow….ha) that I will explain more about later. But basically I left the house at around 7:30 (Max had text messaged me at 6:30 to see if I had left yet, and then at 7 when I didn’t reply saying “fine. Well have fun”). I told him when I left that I was leaving and he kept texting me about how he couldn’t find his keys at Zhenya’s or whatever. Usually I just ignore this shit, but it has been starting to really get on my nerves. I just don’t need his minute to minute updates, its fucking annoying. So anyway, this party is in this tiny town in the mountains called Penasco which was an hour drive from Santa Fe and I didn’t get any cell phone service out there. When I got back into range at like 12:30am I had a text from Max that he had sent around 9 that said “I’m going to see how much gin it takes until I cant stand up anymore.” This freaked me out and I spent the car ride wondering if I was going to have to clean up his vomit or go to the ER or something. When I got home all the lights were out and I saw an empty bottle of Tanqueray on the table. I knocked on his door and called his name. Thankfully he grunted and I said “are you alive?” and he said “yeah.” Then I said “don’t ever send me a text message like that again. It really freaked me out” then shut his door and went to my room.
About 2 minutes later he knocked on my door and started yelling at me saying: “Don’t fucking wake me up at 1:30 in the morning asking me if I am alive! Fuck you. If you really cared you could have called. Don’t ever wake me up again.” I didn’t know how drunk he was so I was just like “max, please leave. I’ll talk to you in the morning” and I thought it was fucking retarded that he was trying to make this like the situation where he woke me up in the morning and I got pissed.
Ugh. I knew he was being crazy but it still really pissed me off and made me have bad dreams. Now I feel like I have to move out more than ever, which I already knew was necessary but I am just trying to do things one step at a time and get settled in my job and make a little money before I uproot completely again.
The worst part is that I tried to get a hold of him this morning, asking if we could talk for a second before I went to work and he is being an impetuous child saying “if it’s about last night, I don’t want to hear it” and “if the things you want to tell me are more things I shouldn’t do, write me a list and I’ll do my best to follow your wishes. But I don’t want to hear them.” I think I am overreacting about this situation but I just find it INFURIATING. Part of it is my bullshit, being impatient and confrontational, wanting things to always be smoothed out instantly, not being able to live with myself if someone close to me thinks I’m being fucked up, but I also am SO ANNOYED with his immaturity. I just want us to figure out how to co-habit the same space in a positive way right now, and I feel like that entails communication, instead of passive aggressive text messaging.
Drama. FUCK. But I really don’t want to talk about that shit anymore…
I had my first day of work on Tuesday and it went pretty well actually. I was nervous but it was slow at first, which was nice. It got really busy at one point during the dinner rush and I was totally freaking out for like 20 minutes, losing credit card slips and my mind and forgetting drinks but everything worked out. This guy Johnny really helped me out. One sweet thing about the restaurant biz is that the turnover is really quick so if you really fuck something up for someone they are out of there before too long no matter what. People were generally really nice, although some got ticked off when they had to ask me for things a million times. There was this table of students from the College of Santa Fe and I spent some time talking to them. It was nice because they totally commiserated with me. Also I gave them my number and might end up hanging with them sometime. Making friends is so weird and hard but I just keep trying to put myself out there and say yes to everything.
The funniest part was that the moon rock girl who I had to ride all the way back from Albuquerque with that night that I went to the firewomyn party came in. She was all like “hey darlin, can I get some sweet potato fries?” and I was like ok but I am NOT going to get stuck talking to you. She left me her phone number and told me to call her about some party. I cant really tell how much of that shit is disingenuous or not….
I had to stay late and close with Brian which was fun actually. He’s a cool guy. We drank some beers and filled salt-shakers and counted money. He was going to go to the New Mexico Alcohol certification course on Wednesday as well because you need to re-activate your license every 5 years but since we didn’t get out of there till 3am we decided to both go together next weds. Also he is having a birthday party that night and he invited me to come which is cool. He drove me home because my bike was broken. I was kinda drunk and in a good mood because I made money and didn’t panic or cry or pour hot coffee on any small children.
On a side note: I wonder if the people at work think/know/assume or have no idea that I’m gay?
So Wednesday I borrowed Max’s car and got my bike tire fixed and ran some other errands. It was sweet to drive around, made me really want a car. I definitely need to figure that out before it gets too freezing here. Also, as Jarratt said, you really do need a vehicle to really enjoy it out here, there’s just so much awesome shit that you cant get to without driving.
At night I went to this party with Claire and Crow that I mentioned before. All I knew was that it was in this little town and it was a birthday party for one of the fire dancers at the Zozobra festival, the one where they burn the huge man puppet. We got there and walked into this building to one of the most insane things that I have ever seen. We had to walk through this red curtain into a little theatre with lots of chairs, but no one was sitting in them because everyone was on stage dancing their hearts out to this 35-person alternative marching band, called “March Fourth.” Everyone was in the craziest outfits and there were all these hippies and kids and dogs just grooving their hearts out. There were guys on stilts and all these performances happening interspersed with the dancing. This one woman did some insane shit on the trapeze. It was fucking wild. I think my mom would have liked it. It was definitely something that I would never have gone to in new york or Oberlin or really ever if I weren’t here right now and it was uhhhhhh not my scene, but I’m really glad I went. Everyone was just having such a good time and the music was so joyous it was hard not to at least appreciate it. Of course Claire and I were ready to go like 2 hours before Crow and her gay friend Jed who drove us out there in his Audi but we chilled and chatted around the campfire with these crazy characters. That’s the only problem with going to shit that’s far away in a car that isn’t yours, at a certain point you start to feel a little like a prisoner. But it was DEFFinitely worth it. I fell asleep on the ride home and would have felt awesome if not for that dumb confrontation with my idiot roommate.
Im sortof bummed because Claire’s friend Matt is having this party tonight where there’s a band playing in his basement (which is apparently SUPER rare for Santa Fe) and it’s going to be really cool and a great place to meet people and hang out with the ones that I have met already but I’m friggen working till way late probably. I know I would be sad if I weren’t working, and I know there will be other parties, I was just excited about this one and everyone keeps talking about it. And also I could have probably gotten my shift changed but I didn’t really know how to go about it since I am so new and felt weird about being a brat on my first week. But now I feel dumb about that – like I shouldn’t have been a baby because I could have made it work and now I just have myself to blame.
Today is a :( day. Some days just are. It’s cloudy and my heart hurts. That’s just what’s up.
I have realized some things though:
1) I think the worst abuse is the shit you put yourself through. Whether it’s self-hatred or masochistic behavior where you keep going back to or perpetuating a dynamic that is destructive for you, those self-made situations are the hardest ones to realize and the hardest patterns to come to terms with and eventually break.
2) You can really make anything sound ok, or not ok, or actually really DO ANYTHING as long as you stand up for yourself and your choices and stay the course.
3) No one person is going to approve of everything you do, but if you are lucky you have people in your life who will love you no matter what and forgive you for stupid shit.
One thing I am wondering is: will there always be so FUCKING many questions????? Especially about what to do and how and when and with who….Will that ever stop?
About 2 minutes later he knocked on my door and started yelling at me saying: “Don’t fucking wake me up at 1:30 in the morning asking me if I am alive! Fuck you. If you really cared you could have called. Don’t ever wake me up again.” I didn’t know how drunk he was so I was just like “max, please leave. I’ll talk to you in the morning” and I thought it was fucking retarded that he was trying to make this like the situation where he woke me up in the morning and I got pissed.
Ugh. I knew he was being crazy but it still really pissed me off and made me have bad dreams. Now I feel like I have to move out more than ever, which I already knew was necessary but I am just trying to do things one step at a time and get settled in my job and make a little money before I uproot completely again.
The worst part is that I tried to get a hold of him this morning, asking if we could talk for a second before I went to work and he is being an impetuous child saying “if it’s about last night, I don’t want to hear it” and “if the things you want to tell me are more things I shouldn’t do, write me a list and I’ll do my best to follow your wishes. But I don’t want to hear them.” I think I am overreacting about this situation but I just find it INFURIATING. Part of it is my bullshit, being impatient and confrontational, wanting things to always be smoothed out instantly, not being able to live with myself if someone close to me thinks I’m being fucked up, but I also am SO ANNOYED with his immaturity. I just want us to figure out how to co-habit the same space in a positive way right now, and I feel like that entails communication, instead of passive aggressive text messaging.
Drama. FUCK. But I really don’t want to talk about that shit anymore…
I had my first day of work on Tuesday and it went pretty well actually. I was nervous but it was slow at first, which was nice. It got really busy at one point during the dinner rush and I was totally freaking out for like 20 minutes, losing credit card slips and my mind and forgetting drinks but everything worked out. This guy Johnny really helped me out. One sweet thing about the restaurant biz is that the turnover is really quick so if you really fuck something up for someone they are out of there before too long no matter what. People were generally really nice, although some got ticked off when they had to ask me for things a million times. There was this table of students from the College of Santa Fe and I spent some time talking to them. It was nice because they totally commiserated with me. Also I gave them my number and might end up hanging with them sometime. Making friends is so weird and hard but I just keep trying to put myself out there and say yes to everything.
The funniest part was that the moon rock girl who I had to ride all the way back from Albuquerque with that night that I went to the firewomyn party came in. She was all like “hey darlin, can I get some sweet potato fries?” and I was like ok but I am NOT going to get stuck talking to you. She left me her phone number and told me to call her about some party. I cant really tell how much of that shit is disingenuous or not….
I had to stay late and close with Brian which was fun actually. He’s a cool guy. We drank some beers and filled salt-shakers and counted money. He was going to go to the New Mexico Alcohol certification course on Wednesday as well because you need to re-activate your license every 5 years but since we didn’t get out of there till 3am we decided to both go together next weds. Also he is having a birthday party that night and he invited me to come which is cool. He drove me home because my bike was broken. I was kinda drunk and in a good mood because I made money and didn’t panic or cry or pour hot coffee on any small children.
On a side note: I wonder if the people at work think/know/assume or have no idea that I’m gay?
So Wednesday I borrowed Max’s car and got my bike tire fixed and ran some other errands. It was sweet to drive around, made me really want a car. I definitely need to figure that out before it gets too freezing here. Also, as Jarratt said, you really do need a vehicle to really enjoy it out here, there’s just so much awesome shit that you cant get to without driving.
At night I went to this party with Claire and Crow that I mentioned before. All I knew was that it was in this little town and it was a birthday party for one of the fire dancers at the Zozobra festival, the one where they burn the huge man puppet. We got there and walked into this building to one of the most insane things that I have ever seen. We had to walk through this red curtain into a little theatre with lots of chairs, but no one was sitting in them because everyone was on stage dancing their hearts out to this 35-person alternative marching band, called “March Fourth.” Everyone was in the craziest outfits and there were all these hippies and kids and dogs just grooving their hearts out. There were guys on stilts and all these performances happening interspersed with the dancing. This one woman did some insane shit on the trapeze. It was fucking wild. I think my mom would have liked it. It was definitely something that I would never have gone to in new york or Oberlin or really ever if I weren’t here right now and it was uhhhhhh not my scene, but I’m really glad I went. Everyone was just having such a good time and the music was so joyous it was hard not to at least appreciate it. Of course Claire and I were ready to go like 2 hours before Crow and her gay friend Jed who drove us out there in his Audi but we chilled and chatted around the campfire with these crazy characters. That’s the only problem with going to shit that’s far away in a car that isn’t yours, at a certain point you start to feel a little like a prisoner. But it was DEFFinitely worth it. I fell asleep on the ride home and would have felt awesome if not for that dumb confrontation with my idiot roommate.
Im sortof bummed because Claire’s friend Matt is having this party tonight where there’s a band playing in his basement (which is apparently SUPER rare for Santa Fe) and it’s going to be really cool and a great place to meet people and hang out with the ones that I have met already but I’m friggen working till way late probably. I know I would be sad if I weren’t working, and I know there will be other parties, I was just excited about this one and everyone keeps talking about it. And also I could have probably gotten my shift changed but I didn’t really know how to go about it since I am so new and felt weird about being a brat on my first week. But now I feel dumb about that – like I shouldn’t have been a baby because I could have made it work and now I just have myself to blame.
Today is a :( day. Some days just are. It’s cloudy and my heart hurts. That’s just what’s up.
I have realized some things though:
1) I think the worst abuse is the shit you put yourself through. Whether it’s self-hatred or masochistic behavior where you keep going back to or perpetuating a dynamic that is destructive for you, those self-made situations are the hardest ones to realize and the hardest patterns to come to terms with and eventually break.
2) You can really make anything sound ok, or not ok, or actually really DO ANYTHING as long as you stand up for yourself and your choices and stay the course.
3) No one person is going to approve of everything you do, but if you are lucky you have people in your life who will love you no matter what and forgive you for stupid shit.
One thing I am wondering is: will there always be so FUCKING many questions????? Especially about what to do and how and when and with who….Will that ever stop?
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
The New Girl
So i began training at the Cowgirl and it is quite a place. I did my three training sessions Friday and Saturday nights and then Sunday brunch. Today at 4:30 I have my first real shift. I am pretty nervous but also excited. I have learned an insane amount in the past few days. it was nice to have yesterday off to sleep and soak it up a little bit. I know im gonna make helllllllla mistakes but i also hope that i will maybe not fuck up too hard.
The people who work there are such characters. My first night i trained with this girl named Jess (short for jessamyn) who was totally sweet. i think shes from jersey or california maybe but she went to B.U. so she seems very East Coast-y. Shes friends with this other girl named Dee who is really cool. She is writing a novel and came out to Santa Fe to be a waitress because one of the characters in her book is a waitress in the Southwest and she wanted to know what it was like firsthand so that the character would have more depth. Weirdly this girl Jess is best friends with this woman from Oberlin named Nancy Boutelier who i know through rugby stuff because shes a very political lesbian interested in gender and women's studies shit. She spent a lot of time with Alia making the first rugby calendar happen. That was a random connection. My second night i trained with this RIDICULOUS girl named Nicole who looks like a cartoon cowgirl with boots and died red hair and freckles and flared jeans. She is just a crazy spitfire who had like 4 margaritas during our shift. On sunday brunch i trained with this guy named Brian who was also fun. He's short and bald and very funny. He totally let me take over his whole section while he worked a party in the other room which was terrifying at first but then felt sweet. Together we made about $1400 in sales which is fucking ridiculous. I havent been getting paid yet because I'm just training but Brian tipped me out like $50 and hopefully tonight i will rake it in. There's another guy named Brian who is only 20 and a cutie, i like him. Theres a guy named Johnny who has long blonde hair and a blonde beard and he is nice and cute too. The nighttime manager who hired me is named Stephanie and she's a total trip. Shes kindof a hard ass and will yell at you just to get it off her chest but shes a good person and doesnt hold grudges, which i appreciate. i think its easier to handle aggression than passive aggression anyway...
the first night when i showed up it turned out that there was a beach party theme for the evening since a surf rock band was playing and there were going to be fire dancers. i didnt know about this ahead of time so i had to borrow a shirt from Stephanie who is basically the opposite body type of me. Shes short and sortof voluptuous and i looked RETARDED in this 70's polyester vintage hawaiin print shirt. AND cowboy hat. ha.
So yeah, the cowgirl has pretty much been my life for the past few days. I hung out with Claire and met her boyfriend's roommates and we all watched a movie (Thank You For Not Smoking) one night which was nice. Its cool to be around chill boys like that because otherwise i think i would basically have my social time be split between Max and Lesbians.
It's still really hard to hang out, and of course i couldnt really chill this weekend because i was working the whole time but people have been reaching out which is nice. i had a drink at this blues bar with Katy and a bunch of the Aztec girls on Saturday after work, but i was feeling kindof depressed because they were all talking about going to Acrobatics class and doing circus stuff and performing arts and i was thinking "wow. am i ever going to make friends here???" Antoinette invited me to Karaoke last night but i was tooooooo burnt out on everything to muster the kind of courage required to take up an invitation like that.
There are these little baby mice that keep running around Max's house that are freaking me out. Other than that, the place is looking really good because Max's parents were here this weekend and bought a bunch of shit like tables and lamps and a bed for max so now there's a couch in the living room. I am still keeping my ears and eyes out for another place to live but i am not throwing myself into the search until i have the $$$$ to throw down for rent. Also, i would like to live in a place with roommates who are cool and that kind of thing is so chancy, its nice that i dont have to rush it. Max is intense but lately it has been nice having a friend around. i think it helps that we are seeing about 2,000 percent less of each other since the job fell through. i dont know what exactly his plan is for a job. he has been dealing with parents and then errands like getting internet and a new car and then i think his plan is to get some fine dining restaurant job and/or try and secure some design work. i feel lucky to have a job right now. and it is scary and challenging and new and stuff but it makes me feel like i am somewhere, doing something, even if its not AT ALL what i expected.
tomorrow i have to go to some weird hotel and take a New Mexico Approved Alcohol Server class from 10am - 3pm. i have no idea what that will be like. The alcohol laws are realllllly strict here though. It's a felony to serve someone with an expired Driver's License. That's insane.
On saturday i randomly found the only comic book shop in Santa Fe and am planning on putting together some work to put there on consignment which will be sweet.
Also, my uncle Jarratt is putting me in touch with this woman who runs the Center for Contemporary Art in Santa Fe which will be a cool person to know. I would love to do some work for her, voluntary or whatever, just to get involved in the art scene here.
So yeah, things are ok. I've been a little sad and lonely but i know thats to be expected. usually i cant wallow for too long because i am either too exhausted or it's time for work. I want to learn more about myself and who i am and why i am here and what i want and what i need, but i am trying to do that in a healthy way - looking forward and being productive, instead of looking backwards and driving myself crazy with questions and guilt and indecision. I know its important to deal with one's past, but i also believe that right now i need to live in the moment. I mean, shit, I'm here so I might as well own it.
The people who work there are such characters. My first night i trained with this girl named Jess (short for jessamyn) who was totally sweet. i think shes from jersey or california maybe but she went to B.U. so she seems very East Coast-y. Shes friends with this other girl named Dee who is really cool. She is writing a novel and came out to Santa Fe to be a waitress because one of the characters in her book is a waitress in the Southwest and she wanted to know what it was like firsthand so that the character would have more depth. Weirdly this girl Jess is best friends with this woman from Oberlin named Nancy Boutelier who i know through rugby stuff because shes a very political lesbian interested in gender and women's studies shit. She spent a lot of time with Alia making the first rugby calendar happen. That was a random connection. My second night i trained with this RIDICULOUS girl named Nicole who looks like a cartoon cowgirl with boots and died red hair and freckles and flared jeans. She is just a crazy spitfire who had like 4 margaritas during our shift. On sunday brunch i trained with this guy named Brian who was also fun. He's short and bald and very funny. He totally let me take over his whole section while he worked a party in the other room which was terrifying at first but then felt sweet. Together we made about $1400 in sales which is fucking ridiculous. I havent been getting paid yet because I'm just training but Brian tipped me out like $50 and hopefully tonight i will rake it in. There's another guy named Brian who is only 20 and a cutie, i like him. Theres a guy named Johnny who has long blonde hair and a blonde beard and he is nice and cute too. The nighttime manager who hired me is named Stephanie and she's a total trip. Shes kindof a hard ass and will yell at you just to get it off her chest but shes a good person and doesnt hold grudges, which i appreciate. i think its easier to handle aggression than passive aggression anyway...
the first night when i showed up it turned out that there was a beach party theme for the evening since a surf rock band was playing and there were going to be fire dancers. i didnt know about this ahead of time so i had to borrow a shirt from Stephanie who is basically the opposite body type of me. Shes short and sortof voluptuous and i looked RETARDED in this 70's polyester vintage hawaiin print shirt. AND cowboy hat. ha.
So yeah, the cowgirl has pretty much been my life for the past few days. I hung out with Claire and met her boyfriend's roommates and we all watched a movie (Thank You For Not Smoking) one night which was nice. Its cool to be around chill boys like that because otherwise i think i would basically have my social time be split between Max and Lesbians.
It's still really hard to hang out, and of course i couldnt really chill this weekend because i was working the whole time but people have been reaching out which is nice. i had a drink at this blues bar with Katy and a bunch of the Aztec girls on Saturday after work, but i was feeling kindof depressed because they were all talking about going to Acrobatics class and doing circus stuff and performing arts and i was thinking "wow. am i ever going to make friends here???" Antoinette invited me to Karaoke last night but i was tooooooo burnt out on everything to muster the kind of courage required to take up an invitation like that.
There are these little baby mice that keep running around Max's house that are freaking me out. Other than that, the place is looking really good because Max's parents were here this weekend and bought a bunch of shit like tables and lamps and a bed for max so now there's a couch in the living room. I am still keeping my ears and eyes out for another place to live but i am not throwing myself into the search until i have the $$$$ to throw down for rent. Also, i would like to live in a place with roommates who are cool and that kind of thing is so chancy, its nice that i dont have to rush it. Max is intense but lately it has been nice having a friend around. i think it helps that we are seeing about 2,000 percent less of each other since the job fell through. i dont know what exactly his plan is for a job. he has been dealing with parents and then errands like getting internet and a new car and then i think his plan is to get some fine dining restaurant job and/or try and secure some design work. i feel lucky to have a job right now. and it is scary and challenging and new and stuff but it makes me feel like i am somewhere, doing something, even if its not AT ALL what i expected.
tomorrow i have to go to some weird hotel and take a New Mexico Approved Alcohol Server class from 10am - 3pm. i have no idea what that will be like. The alcohol laws are realllllly strict here though. It's a felony to serve someone with an expired Driver's License. That's insane.
On saturday i randomly found the only comic book shop in Santa Fe and am planning on putting together some work to put there on consignment which will be sweet.
Also, my uncle Jarratt is putting me in touch with this woman who runs the Center for Contemporary Art in Santa Fe which will be a cool person to know. I would love to do some work for her, voluntary or whatever, just to get involved in the art scene here.
So yeah, things are ok. I've been a little sad and lonely but i know thats to be expected. usually i cant wallow for too long because i am either too exhausted or it's time for work. I want to learn more about myself and who i am and why i am here and what i want and what i need, but i am trying to do that in a healthy way - looking forward and being productive, instead of looking backwards and driving myself crazy with questions and guilt and indecision. I know its important to deal with one's past, but i also believe that right now i need to live in the moment. I mean, shit, I'm here so I might as well own it.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Yee Haw!
So I met up with Claire this morning and we went to this coffee shop called “Counter Culture” which was an annoying name but a pretty chill place. Then we biked to this other coffee shop where her boyfriend Joey works. It is called Downtown Subscription and it is where all the old people hang out. Rght this second though, and I am not kidding, there is a girl sitting across from me wearing aviators completely shamelessly trying to look sexy and taking pictures of herself with her camera phone. Ha. I also overheard her conversation about 2 minutes ago where she was talking about some new myspace feature where you can chat with people. Obviously that’s not new. But whatever.
In other news: I am officially out of a job. The reason that I came out here has now ceased to exist. Actually all three reasons (a friend, a place to live, and a job) have just fallen away one by one. Max turned out to be CRAZY (well I guess I knew that, but I didn’t quite know the extent or the scale) and is currently having some sort of breakdown which required him to quit his job. Unfortunately, my career at Santa Fe Printing was linked to him, since he was going to train me to do all this shit and help him with his job, doing production and making websites. I had a big talk with Max on Tuesday night where he was saying that he just felt like a failure in all aspects of his life (his relationship, professionally, as a father) and he is feeling completely overwhelmed and has to give up on something. Apparently, he has lost faith in the business and hates working there and doesn’t believe that it’s going to get off the ground. Unfortunately, when he told me three weeks ago that they desperately needed my help, things looked like they were getting better and better and jobs kept pouring in, but since then, they just stopped getting calls. I suggested that instead of giving up, he figure out a way to make it work for him, i.e. spending less time at the office, making a schedule with Zhenya about who has Andrei when so that they don’t have to have terrible abusive phone conversations everyday. So, Max met with Christian on wednesday and told him the terms under which he would continue to work at Santa Fe Printing - fewer hours, being on payroll instead of being a partner, and only doing design, no management or customer service. Christian needed time to think it over and called Max this morning to say no, thanks anyway, and that he has already hired a web designer but will let him know in a month if he can use Max (or me) at all.
It's pretty fucked up, i must say, but its not Max's fault i guess, and i do believe that it'll be ok. I'm just annoyed, dissapointed, dont want to see Max's face all the time, etc.
BUT one awesome thing did happen yesterday. Since i didnt have to go to work i went to get coffee and ran into this girl Katy whom i had met the other night and is nice. On my way to go walk around and look at some galleries i decided to stop by this restaurant called the Cowgirl to see if they were hiring because i had heard it was a sweet place to work and it seems very fun. I talked to this woman and she asked me to come back at 7:15 for an interview. I came back and we chatted for a little while and she said she had a good feeling about me so it looks like i might have a job waiting tables! and the best part: wearing a cowboy hat is part of the uniform! holy SHIT!
i'm getting kicked out of this coffee shop so i gotta run, but thats the gist of the last few days' ups and downs...
In other news: I am officially out of a job. The reason that I came out here has now ceased to exist. Actually all three reasons (a friend, a place to live, and a job) have just fallen away one by one. Max turned out to be CRAZY (well I guess I knew that, but I didn’t quite know the extent or the scale) and is currently having some sort of breakdown which required him to quit his job. Unfortunately, my career at Santa Fe Printing was linked to him, since he was going to train me to do all this shit and help him with his job, doing production and making websites. I had a big talk with Max on Tuesday night where he was saying that he just felt like a failure in all aspects of his life (his relationship, professionally, as a father) and he is feeling completely overwhelmed and has to give up on something. Apparently, he has lost faith in the business and hates working there and doesn’t believe that it’s going to get off the ground. Unfortunately, when he told me three weeks ago that they desperately needed my help, things looked like they were getting better and better and jobs kept pouring in, but since then, they just stopped getting calls. I suggested that instead of giving up, he figure out a way to make it work for him, i.e. spending less time at the office, making a schedule with Zhenya about who has Andrei when so that they don’t have to have terrible abusive phone conversations everyday. So, Max met with Christian on wednesday and told him the terms under which he would continue to work at Santa Fe Printing - fewer hours, being on payroll instead of being a partner, and only doing design, no management or customer service. Christian needed time to think it over and called Max this morning to say no, thanks anyway, and that he has already hired a web designer but will let him know in a month if he can use Max (or me) at all.
It's pretty fucked up, i must say, but its not Max's fault i guess, and i do believe that it'll be ok. I'm just annoyed, dissapointed, dont want to see Max's face all the time, etc.
BUT one awesome thing did happen yesterday. Since i didnt have to go to work i went to get coffee and ran into this girl Katy whom i had met the other night and is nice. On my way to go walk around and look at some galleries i decided to stop by this restaurant called the Cowgirl to see if they were hiring because i had heard it was a sweet place to work and it seems very fun. I talked to this woman and she asked me to come back at 7:15 for an interview. I came back and we chatted for a little while and she said she had a good feeling about me so it looks like i might have a job waiting tables! and the best part: wearing a cowboy hat is part of the uniform! holy SHIT!
i'm getting kicked out of this coffee shop so i gotta run, but thats the gist of the last few days' ups and downs...
Pixxxxx
This is the view from the plane as I was landing in Albuquerque:
This is Max's house:
This is the living room:
This is this weird tree decoration on the wall that makes the kitchen look like it is a home for hobbits:
This is little Andrei:
This is from the front of the house, that's Zhenya's car and the shed in the large fenced-in yard:
This is the room i am sleeping in:
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Today at work...
so today i made this cheesy website design:
and then basically spent all day making dumb little changes until it looked like this:
its so frustrating to just realize other peoples' visions of things. what annoys me most of all is the inefficiency, though.
Max just told me that he wants to leave this job. That is a terrifying thing. I guess it could work out of if Christian wants to keep me here, but i doubt he will because the main idea was for Max to train me and then i could help him with websites and production and all that. I also dont know how serious Max is about bailing on his business. but FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. I really was counting on this. I know it'll be ok but i was just excited to just get wrapped up in something maybe boring but also stable and have time for my own stuff while making $$$ and learning killer skills. Jesus though. and Max has all this baggage about disapointing people because all he wants is to be liked but at this point he has just completely over-extended himself and is overwhelmed with it all and panicking about how he can possibly make everyday a little less miserable. Apparently business has gotten really bad in the past 3 weeks and everything that they thought would just keep coming and coming has just faded away so there's not even really work for me, let alone money for them. Sucks. Maybe now i will look for a job instead of a new home?
i know i want the real world and i guess this is it but c'mon. at least it is gorgeous here. that really is what's pulling me through. i also feel kindof zen in general right now, its all just been dreams and ideas that became a reality so recently that it almost isnt that big of a deal if everything gets taken away. i just need to figure it out. and i know i will.
i left work today to buy things for my bike so now i have a nice safe ride home to look forward to. adios for now.
and then basically spent all day making dumb little changes until it looked like this:
its so frustrating to just realize other peoples' visions of things. what annoys me most of all is the inefficiency, though.
Max just told me that he wants to leave this job. That is a terrifying thing. I guess it could work out of if Christian wants to keep me here, but i doubt he will because the main idea was for Max to train me and then i could help him with websites and production and all that. I also dont know how serious Max is about bailing on his business. but FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. I really was counting on this. I know it'll be ok but i was just excited to just get wrapped up in something maybe boring but also stable and have time for my own stuff while making $$$ and learning killer skills. Jesus though. and Max has all this baggage about disapointing people because all he wants is to be liked but at this point he has just completely over-extended himself and is overwhelmed with it all and panicking about how he can possibly make everyday a little less miserable. Apparently business has gotten really bad in the past 3 weeks and everything that they thought would just keep coming and coming has just faded away so there's not even really work for me, let alone money for them. Sucks. Maybe now i will look for a job instead of a new home?
i know i want the real world and i guess this is it but c'mon. at least it is gorgeous here. that really is what's pulling me through. i also feel kindof zen in general right now, its all just been dreams and ideas that became a reality so recently that it almost isnt that big of a deal if everything gets taken away. i just need to figure it out. and i know i will.
i left work today to buy things for my bike so now i have a nice safe ride home to look forward to. adios for now.
got a bike!
i am VERY happy to have my own mode of transportation. I met Claire at this bike collective thing called Chainbreakers and they just happened to have a sweet mountain bike that someone had just donated. it's white with yellow and purple detail. i spent a couple hours just fixing it up and changing the break cable but it was already in almost perfect condition. Afterwards we went to this pizza place and had a beer with this guy named David who works at the bike place. He was nice but I kept calling him Joe for some reason. Max came and met up with us which was ok but he is being very annoying, i think because he is miserable and exhausted ALL the time but i dont really know how to handle it. Like, i shouldnt feel guilty for coming home and going to sleep when he goes to the office till 3am, and i don't actually because i know he is ridiculous, but it is a source of tension. I just want home to be a place i can go and not feel pressure or judgment and just hide away a little. Claire said that a friend of hers is renting out a place near downtown that is a one bedroom little house thing that i am going to check out.
I biked to work this morning which was nice. I got here at 8am, before anyone else, which was cool. I finished mounting and framing their work samples and now i am working on the design for the website for the Santa Fe Southern Railway. The truth is that i dont really know what i am doing though. and Max is acting crazy so i dont really want to ask him. It's fun to fuck around on photoshop, but i think i am going to run into problems with my aesthetic as compared to his and Christian's. When i was framing all that stuff before, i would lay it out and then show it to Christian and inevitably he would turn something diagonal so that it had this dumb "jaunty" look but hey it's not MY shit i just work here....i guess.
i think im gonna take a break soon. i gotta get some coffee and a bike helmet. i always thought i was too cool for that shit but the drivers here are TERRIBLE so i'm not taking any chances.
last night i had my first dose of small town reality when two of the girls who i had met on saturday just happened to be at this brewery place where Claire, Max and I got a drink after pizza. i went over and said hi and this girl Katy gave me her number to hang out. The other one's name is Rosie and she is nice, they are a couple i think, or just gay lesbian friends...i cant tell yet. It was funny because Katy was talking about how she went to critical mass in Santa Fe and there were like 9 people besides her who showed up. The next one is Thursday so maybe i'll go and double the population of bikers.
I biked to work this morning which was nice. I got here at 8am, before anyone else, which was cool. I finished mounting and framing their work samples and now i am working on the design for the website for the Santa Fe Southern Railway. The truth is that i dont really know what i am doing though. and Max is acting crazy so i dont really want to ask him. It's fun to fuck around on photoshop, but i think i am going to run into problems with my aesthetic as compared to his and Christian's. When i was framing all that stuff before, i would lay it out and then show it to Christian and inevitably he would turn something diagonal so that it had this dumb "jaunty" look but hey it's not MY shit i just work here....i guess.
i think im gonna take a break soon. i gotta get some coffee and a bike helmet. i always thought i was too cool for that shit but the drivers here are TERRIBLE so i'm not taking any chances.
last night i had my first dose of small town reality when two of the girls who i had met on saturday just happened to be at this brewery place where Claire, Max and I got a drink after pizza. i went over and said hi and this girl Katy gave me her number to hang out. The other one's name is Rosie and she is nice, they are a couple i think, or just gay lesbian friends...i cant tell yet. It was funny because Katy was talking about how she went to critical mass in Santa Fe and there were like 9 people besides her who showed up. The next one is Thursday so maybe i'll go and double the population of bikers.
Monday, September 10, 2007
welcome to santa fe printing!
Today is my first day at work. I have spent some time in the office just fucking around on the internet and keeping Max company but now I am here to get paid. I met with Christian (Max's partner) this morning at 8:30 which was cool. He wanted to know about my "skill set" and to tell me that things are crazy here now and that i am going to be doing menial labor at first, and working with Max on websites but then things will get more interesting. My first task was to type up this contract for Website designing. Right now I am framing samples of their work to decorate the office. I need to look for a second job, but thats probably a good thing so that i can meet people. I'm going to this bike co-op after work today with Claire to see if i can get some wheels.
Last night i saw my uncle Jarratt's new house where he lives with his wife Dinah. It's crazy. They bought a plot of land in this totally isolated valley and built their dream house from the bottom up. They used all this crazy material that they have been collecting for years so the whole place is really personal and exactly what they wanted. Jarratt cooked a delicious meal in his amazing industrial kitchen and it was nice to see family and talk for a while.
sorry this is a boring post but i need to look busy and like a good worker today.
here's the website if you wanna check it out:
www.santafeprinting.com
Last night i saw my uncle Jarratt's new house where he lives with his wife Dinah. It's crazy. They bought a plot of land in this totally isolated valley and built their dream house from the bottom up. They used all this crazy material that they have been collecting for years so the whole place is really personal and exactly what they wanted. Jarratt cooked a delicious meal in his amazing industrial kitchen and it was nice to see family and talk for a while.
sorry this is a boring post but i need to look busy and like a good worker today.
here's the website if you wanna check it out:
www.santafeprinting.com
Sunday, September 9, 2007
feeling wobbly
The past few days have been a little sad. I think it might be phase 2 of dealing with change. It's like now i am really here and the grace period of WHOAAAA THIS IS CRAZZZZZZY is starting to expire - i need to actually unpack and figure out a schedule and get a bike and all that. It's exciting though, when its not hella hella lonely and intimidating...
Friday I slept late and went to the Aztec Cafe again. I ended up talking to one of the girls who works there because she had overheard me talking about how i just moved here from NYC. Her name is Antoinette and the first thing she said to me was "I'm assuming you're a homo..." I she asked me if i had heard about this party in Albuquerque Saturday night. I said no, duh, and she said if i was interested in going, i should give her a call and come with her and her friends. I got her number and the website of the place, feeling pretty good about myself for having made a friend, despite the fact that it was just because i look like a giant lesbian. I couldnt decide if i wanted to go or not - i mean, obviously i should. You need to take risks and say yes to everything when you move to a new place...right?!?! i decided i would check out the website: http://firewomyn.com (go look right now) and let that decide for me.
After leaving the Aztec I walked around and went to this sweet exhibit at SITE: Santa Fe - one of the contemporary art museums here in the trendy "railroad district." Its a cool place because the spaces are huge and the rent is cheap so lots of galleries are moving in. The art was by a German guy named Hans Schabus and the exhibit was called "Deserted Conquest."
http://www.sitesantafe.org/exhibitions/exhibitfr.html
There was some sweet video shit and a bunch of cool installations. There was this one piece that had three simultaneous projections showing a train moving from screen to the next. It was just massive and subtle but beautiful (reminded me a bit of Rian's RubyloveX4 piece at the MOCA). It also showed landscapes for a couple minutes at a time but because of the high quality of the images and the composition of the shots they were all really compelling, like photographs that were living and breathing.
So Max picked me up there and we went to go see Andrei at Zhenya's for a little while. It's always nice to see him because he's such a cute kid but things are SO tense between Max and Zhenya, its kindof terrifying. They are both just working so hard and sortof constantly taking out their frustration on each other in really destructive, passive aggressive ways. After leaving there, Max and I got dinner at this restaurant right near our house called "Dave's Not Here" (apparently there are lots of stories behind the name, but the most popular is that the owner got arrested and went to jail and the people working there were saying "dave's not here" so often that it became the name of the joint). Then we went to see this movie called Helvetical which was fucking awesome. Definitely the best documentary i have ever seen. One of the best parts was the theatre, which instead of having rows of seats just had about 100 couches. AND there was free beer and food that you could BRING INSIDE. it was the best thing EVER. We got kindof drunk and went home and then Claire Comfort from Oberlin came over which was awesome. It was nice to kick it in the house. That was a good night.
Saturday Claire Max and I drove around and went to yard sales and found some cool stuff. I was excited because we needed a utensil holder for the kitchen and then I found one! So domestic I know... If it couldnt get any worse, we went to Home Depot after that and bought stain for the fence and other home improvement devices. Then Max went to go hang out with Andrei and i had some time at home alone. This made me feel depressed.
I think it was because it was my first down-time in a while. I used the time to talk to a bunch of people from home which was very nice. Even though the website was terrifying (in case you didnt see it yet, http://firewomyn.com) I decided that i should take up the opportunity to meet some new people and that it would be an Experience, if nothing else. So i called that girl and she said that they would pick me up at 10pm.
It was an experience. Although it sounds like a bad joke "so 9 lesbians in 2 cars are driving to an all-white dance party in Albuquerque...." I was glad i went. I met Antoinette and her CRAZY dog named Giovanni on a street corner and walked to her house. It was a cute little place where she lives with her roommates India and Amarylis. All these girls ("homos" as they call each other) came over and we got into cars and drove for an hour to the club. It wasnt a crazy scene, just like any gay club anywhere, which was a weird mix of comforting and disappointing. (kindof like how my whole transition here has been - there are some things i though i wouldnt miss but do, and other things i though i would leave behind but have followed me, for better or worse) Anyway, the girls were all nice to me but once we got to the party i felt a little like i was at a Bat Mitzvah with no friends. I realized how long it has been since i have had to make friends, or really been outside of my social comfort zone at all. its a friggin horrible feeling. you just have no idea whether people like you or where to stand or what to say or who to talk to or anything and all you want to do is look cool, calm and collected. It closed at 1:30 (everyone was pissed but i was kinda glad to get out of there, even though we didnt arrive till about 12:15am) and then we all went to this diner nearby to eat drunkenly. I sat shotgun on the ride home and had to talk to this girl named Blaire about moon rocks and astrology and the healing arts and massage. Some of it was cool, and she was a piece of work but it was a little difficult because i could NOT keep my eyes open. Didnt get home till like 4:30am and fell asleep instantly.
Max woke me up in the middle of the night to ask if he could sleep in my bed because he was freezing in the living room (he gave me his comforter until mine comes in the mail). It was fine but also weird. Nothing creepy about it, i just really do NEED tons of space right now, and i would rather be clear about it with him than resent him for encroaching, you know? It reminded me how i need to set some boundaries with him. Especially since he had spent the whole night cleaning the house and fixing the bathroom and mopping the floors, which i believe he did genuinely because he wanted to and was bored but there is a bit of a passive aggressive element there...
We were supposed to meet with Max's partner Christian this afternoon for a business talk but he canceled at the last minute so i am just hanging out in the office, writing this blog. My uncle Jarratt is coming to pick me up any minute and i am going to his house to have dinner. I like him and his wife Dinah. i think it will be nice to see some family.
Today is hard. My dad says i just need to get my "Santa Fe legs" which i believe. I'm excited to start working, and looking for a second job to make friends, and get a bike so that i a) get some exercise and b)have some autonomy.
Friday I slept late and went to the Aztec Cafe again. I ended up talking to one of the girls who works there because she had overheard me talking about how i just moved here from NYC. Her name is Antoinette and the first thing she said to me was "I'm assuming you're a homo..." I she asked me if i had heard about this party in Albuquerque Saturday night. I said no, duh, and she said if i was interested in going, i should give her a call and come with her and her friends. I got her number and the website of the place, feeling pretty good about myself for having made a friend, despite the fact that it was just because i look like a giant lesbian. I couldnt decide if i wanted to go or not - i mean, obviously i should. You need to take risks and say yes to everything when you move to a new place...right?!?! i decided i would check out the website: http://firewomyn.com (go look right now) and let that decide for me.
After leaving the Aztec I walked around and went to this sweet exhibit at SITE: Santa Fe - one of the contemporary art museums here in the trendy "railroad district." Its a cool place because the spaces are huge and the rent is cheap so lots of galleries are moving in. The art was by a German guy named Hans Schabus and the exhibit was called "Deserted Conquest."
http://www.sitesantafe.org/exhibitions/exhibitfr.html
There was some sweet video shit and a bunch of cool installations. There was this one piece that had three simultaneous projections showing a train moving from screen to the next. It was just massive and subtle but beautiful (reminded me a bit of Rian's RubyloveX4 piece at the MOCA). It also showed landscapes for a couple minutes at a time but because of the high quality of the images and the composition of the shots they were all really compelling, like photographs that were living and breathing.
So Max picked me up there and we went to go see Andrei at Zhenya's for a little while. It's always nice to see him because he's such a cute kid but things are SO tense between Max and Zhenya, its kindof terrifying. They are both just working so hard and sortof constantly taking out their frustration on each other in really destructive, passive aggressive ways. After leaving there, Max and I got dinner at this restaurant right near our house called "Dave's Not Here" (apparently there are lots of stories behind the name, but the most popular is that the owner got arrested and went to jail and the people working there were saying "dave's not here" so often that it became the name of the joint). Then we went to see this movie called Helvetical which was fucking awesome. Definitely the best documentary i have ever seen. One of the best parts was the theatre, which instead of having rows of seats just had about 100 couches. AND there was free beer and food that you could BRING INSIDE. it was the best thing EVER. We got kindof drunk and went home and then Claire Comfort from Oberlin came over which was awesome. It was nice to kick it in the house. That was a good night.
Saturday Claire Max and I drove around and went to yard sales and found some cool stuff. I was excited because we needed a utensil holder for the kitchen and then I found one! So domestic I know... If it couldnt get any worse, we went to Home Depot after that and bought stain for the fence and other home improvement devices. Then Max went to go hang out with Andrei and i had some time at home alone. This made me feel depressed.
I think it was because it was my first down-time in a while. I used the time to talk to a bunch of people from home which was very nice. Even though the website was terrifying (in case you didnt see it yet, http://firewomyn.com) I decided that i should take up the opportunity to meet some new people and that it would be an Experience, if nothing else. So i called that girl and she said that they would pick me up at 10pm.
It was an experience. Although it sounds like a bad joke "so 9 lesbians in 2 cars are driving to an all-white dance party in Albuquerque...." I was glad i went. I met Antoinette and her CRAZY dog named Giovanni on a street corner and walked to her house. It was a cute little place where she lives with her roommates India and Amarylis. All these girls ("homos" as they call each other) came over and we got into cars and drove for an hour to the club. It wasnt a crazy scene, just like any gay club anywhere, which was a weird mix of comforting and disappointing. (kindof like how my whole transition here has been - there are some things i though i wouldnt miss but do, and other things i though i would leave behind but have followed me, for better or worse) Anyway, the girls were all nice to me but once we got to the party i felt a little like i was at a Bat Mitzvah with no friends. I realized how long it has been since i have had to make friends, or really been outside of my social comfort zone at all. its a friggin horrible feeling. you just have no idea whether people like you or where to stand or what to say or who to talk to or anything and all you want to do is look cool, calm and collected. It closed at 1:30 (everyone was pissed but i was kinda glad to get out of there, even though we didnt arrive till about 12:15am) and then we all went to this diner nearby to eat drunkenly. I sat shotgun on the ride home and had to talk to this girl named Blaire about moon rocks and astrology and the healing arts and massage. Some of it was cool, and she was a piece of work but it was a little difficult because i could NOT keep my eyes open. Didnt get home till like 4:30am and fell asleep instantly.
Max woke me up in the middle of the night to ask if he could sleep in my bed because he was freezing in the living room (he gave me his comforter until mine comes in the mail). It was fine but also weird. Nothing creepy about it, i just really do NEED tons of space right now, and i would rather be clear about it with him than resent him for encroaching, you know? It reminded me how i need to set some boundaries with him. Especially since he had spent the whole night cleaning the house and fixing the bathroom and mopping the floors, which i believe he did genuinely because he wanted to and was bored but there is a bit of a passive aggressive element there...
We were supposed to meet with Max's partner Christian this afternoon for a business talk but he canceled at the last minute so i am just hanging out in the office, writing this blog. My uncle Jarratt is coming to pick me up any minute and i am going to his house to have dinner. I like him and his wife Dinah. i think it will be nice to see some family.
Today is hard. My dad says i just need to get my "Santa Fe legs" which i believe. I'm excited to start working, and looking for a second job to make friends, and get a bike so that i a) get some exercise and b)have some autonomy.
Thursday, September 6, 2007
Hello
So today was my first day in Santa Fe. I woke up at my new house and looked at this tree through my window. I slept on a futon on the floor in my room which has red wall-to-wall carpeting, 2 windows, a door to the outside and a nice big closet. I ate some cheerios and then looked on googlemaps for a while to try and figure out where the hell I was. Max came home from work to say hi which was nice. I copied down a rough outline of the streets into my notebook and then left the house, walking down this big street called Agua Fria.
This green arrow shows where my new house is:
I ended up at this coffee shop that Mary had told me about when she drove through Santa Fe last week. Tracy Chapman was playing and everyone working there was a lesbian. I felt right at home. Especially when I took out my wallet to pay for my latte and this girl next to me say my Metrocard and asked me if I was from New York. I told her yes and she said she was about to move to Vermont to train in a circus. She asked me my name and introduced herself as "Rain." So that's how I made my first friend. hahahaha NOT.
So I sat there for a while and ate an awesome bagel and looked through the Santa Fe Reporter, the free newspaper here, which told me about lots of cool shit going on. Apparently I was lucky enough to arrive here during "fiesta" which is the most beautiful time of year where fun stuff happens and people go a little crazy. I overheard all these people talking about how they had just gotten back from Burning Man and it was a little like I was in a cartoon. Turns out there was going to be this festival called Zozoba happening tonight where a giant man puppet is burned in a huge bonfire that people can throw things like divorce papers or mean letters into, as a symbol of closure and re-birth or something. it sounded kinda cool.
Max picked me up and we went to pick up Andrei from pre-school. We hung out with him for a bunch of hours which was awesome. He is the coolest, most good-natured little boy. They have never cut his hair so he has these wispy blonde locks and the biggest smile, its just adorable. We walked back to Zhenya's house because Max's car was overheating and we left it on the side of the road. Zhenya got out of class at 6:30 and we left her and Andrei and had dinner at this Cowgirl-themed restaurant which was sweet. I ate chilli. Then we went to Zozobra in time to catch the end of the burning man and to see awesome fireworks. There were SO MANY people there it was insane. It was a pretty rowdy crowd, but mostly families and some very drunk men. I had big plans about trying to meet people and make friends but that is a very hard thing to do. Also, TRYING to meet people and make friends is like the best way to do exactly NOT that.
We went to pick up the car and had to drive to Tesutue (this little town near Santa Fe) in order to get home and then the car started SMOKING like crazy so we stopped at a gas station and had to buy lots of different fluids to put in different holes. It was very scientific. We had to wait for it to cool down, and it almost didnt start up again but Max stayed very calm and in control and everything worked out.
Now we are at the office and I am posting this blog and Max is doing some work next to me. I start work on Monday because they need to get a space set up for me. I am excited to get that going. It's nice having these few days and this weekend to chill out though. I think tomorrow I will get a breakfast burrito and maybe walk down a different street. Also, this movie called Helvetica which is all about fonts and the last 50 years of graphic design is playing at the Santa Fe Film Festival tomorrow night which should be sweet.
I would like to make some friends though. I guess it's only been 24 hours. Max is a nice roommate and friend and I imagine he will be a good boss. It's just weird because he knows pretty much no one since he spends all his time working or chilling with his kid. Weirdly enough we are now both in the same spot in terms of being somewhere knowing no one, its just that I have all this energy because its exciting to be in a new place and he's a little bit over it and resigned to be alone forever. I think we'll figure out a way to be wingmen though. Provided we don't kill each other first :)
The air tastes really good which is a nice thing to remind myself that I am somewhere beautiful and it is more likely than not that things will fall into place.
This green arrow shows where my new house is:
I ended up at this coffee shop that Mary had told me about when she drove through Santa Fe last week. Tracy Chapman was playing and everyone working there was a lesbian. I felt right at home. Especially when I took out my wallet to pay for my latte and this girl next to me say my Metrocard and asked me if I was from New York. I told her yes and she said she was about to move to Vermont to train in a circus. She asked me my name and introduced herself as "Rain." So that's how I made my first friend. hahahaha NOT.
So I sat there for a while and ate an awesome bagel and looked through the Santa Fe Reporter, the free newspaper here, which told me about lots of cool shit going on. Apparently I was lucky enough to arrive here during "fiesta" which is the most beautiful time of year where fun stuff happens and people go a little crazy. I overheard all these people talking about how they had just gotten back from Burning Man and it was a little like I was in a cartoon. Turns out there was going to be this festival called Zozoba happening tonight where a giant man puppet is burned in a huge bonfire that people can throw things like divorce papers or mean letters into, as a symbol of closure and re-birth or something. it sounded kinda cool.
Max picked me up and we went to pick up Andrei from pre-school. We hung out with him for a bunch of hours which was awesome. He is the coolest, most good-natured little boy. They have never cut his hair so he has these wispy blonde locks and the biggest smile, its just adorable. We walked back to Zhenya's house because Max's car was overheating and we left it on the side of the road. Zhenya got out of class at 6:30 and we left her and Andrei and had dinner at this Cowgirl-themed restaurant which was sweet. I ate chilli. Then we went to Zozobra in time to catch the end of the burning man and to see awesome fireworks. There were SO MANY people there it was insane. It was a pretty rowdy crowd, but mostly families and some very drunk men. I had big plans about trying to meet people and make friends but that is a very hard thing to do. Also, TRYING to meet people and make friends is like the best way to do exactly NOT that.
We went to pick up the car and had to drive to Tesutue (this little town near Santa Fe) in order to get home and then the car started SMOKING like crazy so we stopped at a gas station and had to buy lots of different fluids to put in different holes. It was very scientific. We had to wait for it to cool down, and it almost didnt start up again but Max stayed very calm and in control and everything worked out.
Now we are at the office and I am posting this blog and Max is doing some work next to me. I start work on Monday because they need to get a space set up for me. I am excited to get that going. It's nice having these few days and this weekend to chill out though. I think tomorrow I will get a breakfast burrito and maybe walk down a different street. Also, this movie called Helvetica which is all about fonts and the last 50 years of graphic design is playing at the Santa Fe Film Festival tomorrow night which should be sweet.
I would like to make some friends though. I guess it's only been 24 hours. Max is a nice roommate and friend and I imagine he will be a good boss. It's just weird because he knows pretty much no one since he spends all his time working or chilling with his kid. Weirdly enough we are now both in the same spot in terms of being somewhere knowing no one, its just that I have all this energy because its exciting to be in a new place and he's a little bit over it and resigned to be alone forever. I think we'll figure out a way to be wingmen though. Provided we don't kill each other first :)
The air tastes really good which is a nice thing to remind myself that I am somewhere beautiful and it is more likely than not that things will fall into place.
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