feeling wobbly

The past few days have been a little sad. I think it might be phase 2 of dealing with change. It's like now i am really here and the grace period of WHOAAAA THIS IS CRAZZZZZZY is starting to expire - i need to actually unpack and figure out a schedule and get a bike and all that. It's exciting though, when its not hella hella lonely and intimidating...

Friday I slept late and went to the Aztec Cafe again. I ended up talking to one of the girls who works there because she had overheard me talking about how i just moved here from NYC. Her name is Antoinette and the first thing she said to me was "I'm assuming you're a homo..." I she asked me if i had heard about this party in Albuquerque Saturday night. I said no, duh, and she said if i was interested in going, i should give her a call and come with her and her friends. I got her number and the website of the place, feeling pretty good about myself for having made a friend, despite the fact that it was just because i look like a giant lesbian. I couldnt decide if i wanted to go or not - i mean, obviously i should. You need to take risks and say yes to everything when you move to a new place...right?!?! i decided i would check out the website: http://firewomyn.com (go look right now) and let that decide for me.

After leaving the Aztec I walked around and went to this sweet exhibit at SITE: Santa Fe - one of the contemporary art museums here in the trendy "railroad district." Its a cool place because the spaces are huge and the rent is cheap so lots of galleries are moving in. The art was by a German guy named Hans Schabus and the exhibit was called "Deserted Conquest."
http://www.sitesantafe.org/exhibitions/exhibitfr.html
There was some sweet video shit and a bunch of cool installations. There was this one piece that had three simultaneous projections showing a train moving from screen to the next. It was just massive and subtle but beautiful (reminded me a bit of Rian's RubyloveX4 piece at the MOCA). It also showed landscapes for a couple minutes at a time but because of the high quality of the images and the composition of the shots they were all really compelling, like photographs that were living and breathing.

So Max picked me up there and we went to go see Andrei at Zhenya's for a little while. It's always nice to see him because he's such a cute kid but things are SO tense between Max and Zhenya, its kindof terrifying. They are both just working so hard and sortof constantly taking out their frustration on each other in really destructive, passive aggressive ways. After leaving there, Max and I got dinner at this restaurant right near our house called "Dave's Not Here" (apparently there are lots of stories behind the name, but the most popular is that the owner got arrested and went to jail and the people working there were saying "dave's not here" so often that it became the name of the joint). Then we went to see this movie called Helvetical which was fucking awesome. Definitely the best documentary i have ever seen. One of the best parts was the theatre, which instead of having rows of seats just had about 100 couches. AND there was free beer and food that you could BRING INSIDE. it was the best thing EVER. We got kindof drunk and went home and then Claire Comfort from Oberlin came over which was awesome. It was nice to kick it in the house. That was a good night.

Saturday Claire Max and I drove around and went to yard sales and found some cool stuff. I was excited because we needed a utensil holder for the kitchen and then I found one! So domestic I know... If it couldnt get any worse, we went to Home Depot after that and bought stain for the fence and other home improvement devices. Then Max went to go hang out with Andrei and i had some time at home alone. This made me feel depressed.

I think it was because it was my first down-time in a while. I used the time to talk to a bunch of people from home which was very nice. Even though the website was terrifying (in case you didnt see it yet, http://firewomyn.com) I decided that i should take up the opportunity to meet some new people and that it would be an Experience, if nothing else. So i called that girl and she said that they would pick me up at 10pm.

It was an experience. Although it sounds like a bad joke "so 9 lesbians in 2 cars are driving to an all-white dance party in Albuquerque...." I was glad i went. I met Antoinette and her CRAZY dog named Giovanni on a street corner and walked to her house. It was a cute little place where she lives with her roommates India and Amarylis. All these girls ("homos" as they call each other) came over and we got into cars and drove for an hour to the club. It wasnt a crazy scene, just like any gay club anywhere, which was a weird mix of comforting and disappointing. (kindof like how my whole transition here has been - there are some things i though i wouldnt miss but do, and other things i though i would leave behind but have followed me, for better or worse) Anyway, the girls were all nice to me but once we got to the party i felt a little like i was at a Bat Mitzvah with no friends. I realized how long it has been since i have had to make friends, or really been outside of my social comfort zone at all. its a friggin horrible feeling. you just have no idea whether people like you or where to stand or what to say or who to talk to or anything and all you want to do is look cool, calm and collected. It closed at 1:30 (everyone was pissed but i was kinda glad to get out of there, even though we didnt arrive till about 12:15am) and then we all went to this diner nearby to eat drunkenly. I sat shotgun on the ride home and had to talk to this girl named Blaire about moon rocks and astrology and the healing arts and massage. Some of it was cool, and she was a piece of work but it was a little difficult because i could NOT keep my eyes open. Didnt get home till like 4:30am and fell asleep instantly.

Max woke me up in the middle of the night to ask if he could sleep in my bed because he was freezing in the living room (he gave me his comforter until mine comes in the mail). It was fine but also weird. Nothing creepy about it, i just really do NEED tons of space right now, and i would rather be clear about it with him than resent him for encroaching, you know? It reminded me how i need to set some boundaries with him. Especially since he had spent the whole night cleaning the house and fixing the bathroom and mopping the floors, which i believe he did genuinely because he wanted to and was bored but there is a bit of a passive aggressive element there...

We were supposed to meet with Max's partner Christian this afternoon for a business talk but he canceled at the last minute so i am just hanging out in the office, writing this blog. My uncle Jarratt is coming to pick me up any minute and i am going to his house to have dinner. I like him and his wife Dinah. i think it will be nice to see some family.

Today is hard. My dad says i just need to get my "Santa Fe legs" which i believe. I'm excited to start working, and looking for a second job to make friends, and get a bike so that i a) get some exercise and b)have some autonomy.