Dayum

oh MAN i have had an exhausting week. I have been working a LOT and not sleeping very much AT ALL. I worked Tues, Weds and Thurs nights and then I just finished my Friday day shift. I am pretty much completely burnt out. Here's what else has been going on:

1) I went to this bar called Willie's after work and totally stupidly left my backpack and vest with my wallet in the pocket hanging over the back of this chair while i went up to get a drink. When i came back to get my shit, it was nowhere to be found. Granted, i had been getting drunk for about an hour before i came to look for it but FUCK. that really sucked. I was with Annie and she was wasted and not being that helpful and i was kindof freaking out but i just had to suck it up and her friend Mark drove me home which was nice. Having my shit stolen was probably the worst part of this week. Besides being a total nuisance, it also put me in a really dark place for a while where I couldnt stop thinking about how i shouldnt have come to Santa Fe and that the world is full of villains. I'm sortof getting over that but i still feel a little saddened and betrayed by this place.

2) I drove drunk last night which was retarded and i feel very guilty about it. Maybe thats not such a big deal but to me it is and i sortof told myself i would never do it but then i did and everything was ok except i feel retarded and terrible about it. I think i just had to get that off my chest...

its weird to be coming to terms with how much power i have over my own life. i feel like i am only just realizing that i really can do whatever i want, or at least chose whatever i want and then do everything i can to make it happen. it sounds kindof retarded but i think this just never occurred to me before because i was so busy with school and just riding all of that shit out. It was mostly easy and obvious and often fun but i never challenged it, or really took responsibility for it. I guess i am trying to do that now. It is both scary and exciting to own the past and the future, but ultimately that is what makes the present meaningful i think.

ok i need to take a little power nap so that i can decide if i feel up to hanging out tonight or not at all :)

Yowza!

whew i feel like i am in a whirlwind today.

i had such a nice time at Montana's. It seriously made me want to move to Albuquerque. His friends and roommates are super chill and his house is so nice. It was just really great to be around some quality people. I feel like I've been missing out on quality time. It's either work work work or drinking with semi-superficial people (who are fun but it never really goes deep) like Annie or sitting at home with Max. It was also really nice to get away for a second. The drive from Santa Fe to Albu is so awesome too, its straight up desert for an hour which really reminds you where you are.

He and his friends picked me up and we drove to this girl Kathy's house. Then just Montana and I went to this concert at a coffee shop but only stayed for like 5 mins because it was LOUD and "too Anglo"' for Montana. Ha. Then we met up with his roommates at this dude's house and chilled there and drank for a bit. He lives with these two girls named Rochelle and Rachel and this boy whose name i forget who i didnt meet. The dude whose house it was is friends with Rochelle from work and the place was pretty cool. It was like this ghetto of studio-style one bedroom adobe houses and we were hanging out in the middle of all of them. There was this girl there named Malinda who had just moved to Santa Fe a week ago and was staying there because her grandmother owns the whole place. She was only 18 and from New York and SO NEW YORK i kindof couldnt handle it. She said that she had dropped out of school after 9th grade and was just a huge partier and had to get out of the crazy destructive lifestyle so she came out to New Mexico and left her fake ID at home. She was supposed to PA on a film in Taos and that was the plan until she got here and realized that the fact that she cant drive and doesnt have a license means she really cant do shit as a Production Assistant on a movie in the middle of the desert. She was cliched and ridiculous but a sweet girl, totally looking for a mama or a papa - really anyone to look up to. I havent felt so old in a while.

After that we went home and i slept on the couch. We woke up at 6:30am to catch the liftoff of the hot-air balloons which have taken over Albuquerque for the week-long International Hot Air Balloon Festival which is taking place this week. We drove to this fancy neighborhood along this bluff on the West side of Albuquerque overlooking the Rio Grande (which is a surprisingly lush little valley) and it was fucking magical. Hundreds of balloons just taking off in the air - i've never seen anything like it. They were all different colors and shapes and some flew right over us and we watched ths sun rise in the sky. it was so special. haha - see below:



Then we went and ate breakfast burritos and Rochelle and Montana drove me back to Santa Fe just in time for me to meet this woman who is Dee's roommate at 1pm. I talked to her for a while and it's pretty much a done deal that i am moving in as soon as Dee moves out. I have told Max about the prospect but not about the decision. I am feeling more and more like it's the right thing. The woman's name is Elle and she seems a little high strung but also sweet and easy to get along with. She is from Espanola (30 mins away from Santa Fe) and is applying to business schools in the fall.

After the meeting i walked home, its such a gorgeous day here. I have work in an hour and i am feeling a little exhausted but at least i have a few moments of downtime before the crazyness of the Cowgirl.

I kindof want to move to Albuquerque. It would just be so nice to have a scene, and people to hang with and do art with and concerts to go to and more stores and nightlife and all that. But im committed to riding shit out here, and at least giving this place a chance. My job is pretty fun for now and there are some things i am interested in pursuing here, and that's enough to keep me happy and busy for a while.

ok time to suit up yeeeeeehaw

the Santa Fe way

today was a weird day because i had Max's car and was driving around but i had nowhere to go really. That's one of the most annoying things about being somewhere new - connecting the dots. I just dont know enough yet to make it all work, and usually i will have something i want to do but no way to do it, or all the time and resources in the world but nothing to do, or no one to do something with. it's sortof tragic/absurd. and, i like to think, character building.

sean kingston is amazing. i think i like his music almost as much as i like sean paul's:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kmcmTE7NIAY

i am waiting for montana to come pick me up with his friends and drive me to his place in Albuquerque where i'm going to spend the night. i think there's nothing that i hate more than waiting for the phone to ring :)

also, days off are sweet. but i kindof like working. it just feels more purposeful. it just gets kindof exhausting.

I'm meeting the woman who has the husband who owns the house tomorrow at 1pm to talk logistics. im pretty sure it's the right thing to do, though nothing has progressed this past week because i havent been able to get in touch with Dee when we're not working to arrange a time for me to meet the landlords. I'm starting to think that flakey-ness is just the Santa Fe way. I dont know if that's a good or a bad thing.... at least it should teach me to stop taking it personally.

Ah, Life.

geeeeeez.

so i just got off work and it was CRAZZZZZY tonight. i had like a million 12 tops and everything was going totally nuts because one of the bussers just walked out in the middle of his shift and there were no glasses and everything was such a mess. In the end it was all ok though, and i made some money but JESUS did i want to die for a while.

today i got coffee at Counter Culture and a girl named Bucket came up to me and introduced herself and asked me if i was new in town and gave me her number. weird.

What else has been going on? not much. i have been working every night which is actually ok because i dont really have anything better to do. After work on tuesday i got VERY drunk and hung out with Annie and then just kept drinking and somehow ended up at her house (to this day, have NO IDEA how we got there) and she was telling me to stay over but then she was passed out and i was like shit yo im going HOME. but i was too drunk to really do anything and didnt know where my shit was and all i had was some crumpled up dollar bills in my jeans pocket and i was trying desperately to remember max's phone number. i probably could have just passed out there but i was feeling really strange and sick and wanted to go home please thank you. so then i somehow found my shit and called Max. it was like 4:30am but he came and picked me up which was so nice. i was a total wreck. i think i really cant keep up with these drinkers, man. it was crazy. but yeah, im also just not used to how they party here, and i think it freaked me out that i didnt know where i was or how to get home by myself. I am lucky to have a friend like Max though. and it works out because he likes playing the hero.

i like working with Dee and Annie. they are fun. i think we are all three friends but sometimes i dont know. like yesterday there was no doubt about it but today...why dont they call me back? am i being too sensitive? yes. i just have no patience is the truth. i gotta work brunch tomorrow but i feel too wired to go to sleep right now.


So i think i am going to move out of Max's and into Dee's house (since she's moving out to live with Heather, this bartender from work). I looked at it the other day, and her room is really nice. It's kinda weird to be living with a couple, like i feel like i might feel like a houseguest for a while, or forever, but there are alot of advantages:

1) its CHEAP, since the rent for a 2-bedroom is split between 3 people

2) it's in a pretty part of town, unlike Max's which is kinda in the ghetto - not in a scary way but just in a white trash, everyone here has owned there little adobe home for a million generations way.

3) there is a kitten named gizmo to play with

4) i just kindof dont really like living here that much. i mean, there are a lot of cool things about it, like i can do whatever i want, there's internet, i can have people over and feel more like i own the place but also Max is a little much and i think i want my own space.

ok i think i am going to watch the end of the good shepherd now.

some days you feel dp*, some days you don't.

* (stands for depressed. its a clinical abbreviation. halley taught it to me.)


It is a very gray monday here in Santa Fe. I dont have work today which rules. Although it always makes me feel like somewhat less of a person. As if i am still in the ant colony reaping the benefits but not pulling my weight, you know? My weekend was at once very fun and very terrible feeling. On Friday after i got off work I came home and like rested for a little. Then i decided to mobilize and Max came out with me to this party that Claire and her roommates were at. It was a crazy house FULL of lesbians and Max basically did at 180 as soon as he walked into the room because he wanted to go get his cigarettes and he was stoned and basically flipping out. All the parties i have been to here are like house parties from high school, its weird. I knew a lot of people at this one, just because of things i have been to and people i have met at the Aztec or at that crazy marching band at Penasco which is kindof cool, but also reminds me how TINY this place is, and specifically this particular lesbian/circusfolk scene. Anyway, the party was kindof awesome because there was a DJ and SO much free booze and a keg and cake and chocolates. Also a bonfire and sortof alot of people. It would have totally been the best party ever, had i been there with friends instead of basic strangers. It was a little intense though. The theme was "dirty" and the people who were dressed up for it looked INSANE. There were girls in leather bras and black ball gowns and Claire's roommate crow was dressed up as a boxer with a fake black eye and make-up like bruises. It was a little bit of a freakshow. So we kicked it there for a little while but then decided to leave. Although i did feel a little like i couldnt leave his side, it was rally nice to have Max there with me because i had been so used to going to shit like that ALL by myself, which can be freeing and does force you to make friends but it is also so exhausting. So Max and i got into his car and then i called Annie who was just getting off work because she had told me about this party that i should come to with her. She and Dee were still at the Cowgirl so we drove there and Max met all the crazies that i work with. Then we got back into the Subaru and drove to Annie's friend's house. Annie kept making fun of Max for having a child, which was funny at the time but was actually kindof thoughtless and maybe even cruel. It is a little absurd that she and Dee were jammed into the backseat next to an empty carseat, but if Annie had been even the tiniest bit empathetic, she wouldnt have made Max feel like any more of a weirdo for the way his life is. This next party was completely different, but also the same. It was a much more hip scene, with tight jeans and big glasses and artsy people. We got there pretty late, things were winding down when we came in and a lot of people were just lying on the floor chilllllllling really hard. I saw this girl who looked familiar and i was like "have i met you before?" and she was like "probably." and that was it, which i found obnoxious. No one there was really outgoing or friendly, which sucked but i sortof dont blame them. it was a party where everyone knew each other, not a meet and greet type thing. However, i was reminded of the awkward, insecurity-bred aarogance of nyc and hipsters and all that. I do feel like i cant be that critical if i know that i have been like that, and probably would have been like that if i were them.

Dee left basically right when we got there but Annie, Max and I hung out. Annie introduced me to her friends and we talked to this guy David a lot. Her friend whose house it was is named Tug. He sleeps on a loft bed and is an Artist. She showed me this poster that he had put up for a party that he had a little while ago called "Hey, That's My House!" where he had gone around and taken creepy stalker-esque pictures of all his friends' houses and then printed them out and put them on the wall for people to notice during the party. i thought that was funny. We went home around 3 and drove Annie to her place. She was like "lets all have brunch tomorrow! i'll call you when i wake up!" Then Max and i got home and talked on the couch for a while about love and life and things like that which was fun.

Saturday was just a wack day. Annie never called which made me feel completely undeservedly upset about life. I just hate when people set you up for something that seems a little too much, but then you expect it and then you feel dumb when its taken away. I think i was also just due for a day of feeling heart-wrenchingly lonely and depressed. I got out of bed late and went running but then it started pouring rain. Then i went to get coffee except the place was closing. Max picked me up and we put my bike in the back of his car and then drove up to this gorgeous mountain top to watch the sunset. As we were driving it starting pouring huge rain droplets but the sun was still shining and it felt like we were in the tropics and then there were TWO RAINBOWS in the sky. it was SO beautiful. We watched the sky for like an hour in this national park and talked about colors and weather and illusions and photoshop and things like that. then we rented The Departed and drank Vodka. i felt pretty bad for myself but Max was a really good friend and it was so nice to have his company.

Sunday i worked brunch which sortof brought me back to reality. I was working with Brian and Johny and i like them a lot. The shift kindof sucked though because we got slammed right away and didnt have enough coffee or dishes or anything. This one party gave me a $40 tip on $100 though which was awesome. Johny gave some guy caffeinated coffee instead of decaf because we didnt have any decafe but then found out later that this old man couldnt drink any caffeine because he has heart palpatations. FUCKED UP but also funny. Brian kept making fun of him and calling him a murderer. ha. After work i went to Jarratt and Dinah's for dinner which is just always lovely. Jarratt has cancer in his liver and is waiting for a transplant which is scary. They have to be ready to drive to Denver at the drop of a hat but they both seem pretty ok about it all.

Now i have to run to go look at Dee's house because she is about to move out and i might move in. I am going to write an entry soon about all of the ridiculous characters at the Cowgirl and some funny things that have happened there.