So i got into nyc last night at 6:30. Dad and Patti hired a car to pick me up which was very special. For christmas i got my dad this long-horn skull made out of barbed wire which was very difficult to pack. i wrapped it in about 12 feet of brown paper to keep the prickers from poking through and then stuffed it into this long, deformed cardboard box. it was v. awkward to carry that around the airport. merry christmas, dad!
It is strange to be home, to say the least. I was ridiculously excited to get back here, and it has been so nice to see dad and luke and patti. i started tearing up when i first saw little luke because he looked so much more grown up. Being around family love can just be overwhelming, especially because there is none of that (except with Jarratt and Dinah, but it's a little different) for me in Santa Fe.
i hung out with some oberlin people (younger kids) who i'm not super close to last night and it was strange. it's just difficult/weird to answer all those questions about what i am doing and where and why because those are questions that i ask myself a couple times a day. Desiree is right when she says i need to own it, which is something that you sometimes just have to play the part of and pretend you are doing to make the actual owning happen, you know?
what's hitting me now is a strange wave of out-of-placeness, or something. there are so many people i am excited to see, and i know that when i do it will feel amazing, but i was surprised to find that the New York that i thought i was missing all this time doesnt exist anymore. I dont know exactly what it was i was missing when i was in Santa Fe, maybe Oberlin, maybe the summer but I just realized that i was fooling myself to think that i would find it waiting for me when i got off the plane in LaGuardia. there's so much amazing stuff here, and tons of family and love and friends and new york is just an awesome place, but i am sortof finding myself having to re-catalogue it all, or something.
Halley called this a "Blue Christmas" and maybe she is right. i do feel pretty calm and happy for the most part. just pensive and as if i am missing a large chunk of something but i can't figure out just what it is.
it is so nice to be at 149 franklin street right now with dad and patti reading the newspaper and with some silly new clothes and toys to play with. patti bought me this book called "drawing on the right side of the brain" which looks awesome. i am very thankful for so many things.
Merry Chirstmas!
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