Yucko

God. Today sucks. I got into the most annoying fight with Max last night. I went out to this crazy, bizarre party with Claire and her roommate (named Crow….ha) that I will explain more about later. But basically I left the house at around 7:30 (Max had text messaged me at 6:30 to see if I had left yet, and then at 7 when I didn’t reply saying “fine. Well have fun”). I told him when I left that I was leaving and he kept texting me about how he couldn’t find his keys at Zhenya’s or whatever. Usually I just ignore this shit, but it has been starting to really get on my nerves. I just don’t need his minute to minute updates, its fucking annoying. So anyway, this party is in this tiny town in the mountains called Penasco which was an hour drive from Santa Fe and I didn’t get any cell phone service out there. When I got back into range at like 12:30am I had a text from Max that he had sent around 9 that said “I’m going to see how much gin it takes until I cant stand up anymore.” This freaked me out and I spent the car ride wondering if I was going to have to clean up his vomit or go to the ER or something. When I got home all the lights were out and I saw an empty bottle of Tanqueray on the table. I knocked on his door and called his name. Thankfully he grunted and I said “are you alive?” and he said “yeah.” Then I said “don’t ever send me a text message like that again. It really freaked me out” then shut his door and went to my room.

About 2 minutes later he knocked on my door and started yelling at me saying: “Don’t fucking wake me up at 1:30 in the morning asking me if I am alive! Fuck you. If you really cared you could have called. Don’t ever wake me up again.” I didn’t know how drunk he was so I was just like “max, please leave. I’ll talk to you in the morning” and I thought it was fucking retarded that he was trying to make this like the situation where he woke me up in the morning and I got pissed.

Ugh. I knew he was being crazy but it still really pissed me off and made me have bad dreams. Now I feel like I have to move out more than ever, which I already knew was necessary but I am just trying to do things one step at a time and get settled in my job and make a little money before I uproot completely again.

The worst part is that I tried to get a hold of him this morning, asking if we could talk for a second before I went to work and he is being an impetuous child saying “if it’s about last night, I don’t want to hear it” and “if the things you want to tell me are more things I shouldn’t do, write me a list and I’ll do my best to follow your wishes. But I don’t want to hear them.” I think I am overreacting about this situation but I just find it INFURIATING. Part of it is my bullshit, being impatient and confrontational, wanting things to always be smoothed out instantly, not being able to live with myself if someone close to me thinks I’m being fucked up, but I also am SO ANNOYED with his immaturity. I just want us to figure out how to co-habit the same space in a positive way right now, and I feel like that entails communication, instead of passive aggressive text messaging.

Drama. FUCK. But I really don’t want to talk about that shit anymore…

I had my first day of work on Tuesday and it went pretty well actually. I was nervous but it was slow at first, which was nice. It got really busy at one point during the dinner rush and I was totally freaking out for like 20 minutes, losing credit card slips and my mind and forgetting drinks but everything worked out. This guy Johnny really helped me out. One sweet thing about the restaurant biz is that the turnover is really quick so if you really fuck something up for someone they are out of there before too long no matter what. People were generally really nice, although some got ticked off when they had to ask me for things a million times. There was this table of students from the College of Santa Fe and I spent some time talking to them. It was nice because they totally commiserated with me. Also I gave them my number and might end up hanging with them sometime. Making friends is so weird and hard but I just keep trying to put myself out there and say yes to everything.

The funniest part was that the moon rock girl who I had to ride all the way back from Albuquerque with that night that I went to the firewomyn party came in. She was all like “hey darlin, can I get some sweet potato fries?” and I was like ok but I am NOT going to get stuck talking to you. She left me her phone number and told me to call her about some party. I cant really tell how much of that shit is disingenuous or not….

I had to stay late and close with Brian which was fun actually. He’s a cool guy. We drank some beers and filled salt-shakers and counted money. He was going to go to the New Mexico Alcohol certification course on Wednesday as well because you need to re-activate your license every 5 years but since we didn’t get out of there till 3am we decided to both go together next weds. Also he is having a birthday party that night and he invited me to come which is cool. He drove me home because my bike was broken. I was kinda drunk and in a good mood because I made money and didn’t panic or cry or pour hot coffee on any small children.

On a side note: I wonder if the people at work think/know/assume or have no idea that I’m gay?

So Wednesday I borrowed Max’s car and got my bike tire fixed and ran some other errands. It was sweet to drive around, made me really want a car. I definitely need to figure that out before it gets too freezing here. Also, as Jarratt said, you really do need a vehicle to really enjoy it out here, there’s just so much awesome shit that you cant get to without driving.

At night I went to this party with Claire and Crow that I mentioned before. All I knew was that it was in this little town and it was a birthday party for one of the fire dancers at the Zozobra festival, the one where they burn the huge man puppet. We got there and walked into this building to one of the most insane things that I have ever seen. We had to walk through this red curtain into a little theatre with lots of chairs, but no one was sitting in them because everyone was on stage dancing their hearts out to this 35-person alternative marching band, called “March Fourth.” Everyone was in the craziest outfits and there were all these hippies and kids and dogs just grooving their hearts out. There were guys on stilts and all these performances happening interspersed with the dancing. This one woman did some insane shit on the trapeze. It was fucking wild. I think my mom would have liked it. It was definitely something that I would never have gone to in new york or Oberlin or really ever if I weren’t here right now and it was uhhhhhh not my scene, but I’m really glad I went. Everyone was just having such a good time and the music was so joyous it was hard not to at least appreciate it. Of course Claire and I were ready to go like 2 hours before Crow and her gay friend Jed who drove us out there in his Audi but we chilled and chatted around the campfire with these crazy characters. That’s the only problem with going to shit that’s far away in a car that isn’t yours, at a certain point you start to feel a little like a prisoner. But it was DEFFinitely worth it. I fell asleep on the ride home and would have felt awesome if not for that dumb confrontation with my idiot roommate.

Im sortof bummed because Claire’s friend Matt is having this party tonight where there’s a band playing in his basement (which is apparently SUPER rare for Santa Fe) and it’s going to be really cool and a great place to meet people and hang out with the ones that I have met already but I’m friggen working till way late probably. I know I would be sad if I weren’t working, and I know there will be other parties, I was just excited about this one and everyone keeps talking about it. And also I could have probably gotten my shift changed but I didn’t really know how to go about it since I am so new and felt weird about being a brat on my first week. But now I feel dumb about that – like I shouldn’t have been a baby because I could have made it work and now I just have myself to blame.

Today is a :( day. Some days just are. It’s cloudy and my heart hurts. That’s just what’s up.

I have realized some things though:

1) I think the worst abuse is the shit you put yourself through. Whether it’s self-hatred or masochistic behavior where you keep going back to or perpetuating a dynamic that is destructive for you, those self-made situations are the hardest ones to realize and the hardest patterns to come to terms with and eventually break.

2) You can really make anything sound ok, or not ok, or actually really DO ANYTHING as long as you stand up for yourself and your choices and stay the course.

3) No one person is going to approve of everything you do, but if you are lucky you have people in your life who will love you no matter what and forgive you for stupid shit.


One thing I am wondering is: will there always be so FUCKING many questions????? Especially about what to do and how and when and with who….Will that ever stop?